Friends in low places

I’m not gonna lie, part of me debated deleting any trace of the blog, and of my facebook this past weekend.  It seemed so much easier than actually dealing with things like a normal functioning adult.  But then my friend Jenny, the sole reader of my blog told me to get back to blogging because it used to entertain her when she was killing time at work.  So I am back for YOU, Jenny. 

So, I will start out with somber post about my absence, and then return to my snarky posts about Waffles, suburbia, bugs I have swallowed when running, martinis, and consistently sucking at life on every front.  Bear with me.

The reason I have been absent from basically all channels of social media is because I have crippling anxiety.  I have written posts about it before HERE, because honestly, running is a huge help.  My anxiety is in check like, 99% of the time, but every few years a major life event will occur and knock me completely off my axis.  In the past it’s been moving to Chicago at a young age, going to grad school, my dad dying.  This time it was a combination of my move to the suburbs, switching jobs, and turning 30.  And by too much I mean too much for me.  Any normal functioning human being would probably be a little stressed, but would pull through like a champ.

Sadly, I am not normal.  Having anxiety is the worst.  And I fully know it’s not really the worst, but it’s my blog and I say what I want.  What are the (my) symptoms of prolonged intense anxiety?  I can’t sleep.  I can’t eat.  Well, I can eat, but I feel so sick all the time that I am either not hungry, or my stomach just can’t handle food.  This makes me constantly dizzy and confused.  I cry randomly and constantly because I am so terrified of the world around me and I have nowhere to hide.  My heart constantly feels like its beating out of my chest, and somehow karate chopping my lungs making it difficult to breath. 

How do I cope?  Not well, obviously.  Mostly, I just don’t leave the house.  In fact, leaving the house terrifies me.  (except for the yard – the yard is awesome.)  Everyday is a legitimate struggle just to get in my car and drive to work (SO MUCH CAN GO WRONG!).  I don’t want to see my friends, or do any of the fun things I normally love, because I know that everyone in the world hates me, and is judging me, and out to get me (obviously, this is not true, but I FEEL this way).  The only reason I haven’t gone full scale Grey Gardens is because of Matt and Waffles.  Matt has been a real trooper.  Not only coercing me to leave the house, but he has been picking up the slack of all the errands I am too nervous to run, and helping out more around the house because my brain-dead zombie self can’t handle preparing a meal or folding a pair of jeans.  He has also been running with me.  Because obviously, if I ran alone terrible things would happen.  And when Matt can’t be there, Waffles picks up the slack.  For a tiny dog, she has been clocking some miles!  And for some reason I feel totally safe when she is with me, despite the fact that she is 17 lbs, would totally approach a serial killer in hopes of treats, and would leave my ass in a second if she saw a horse (She doesn’t like horses.  That was a fun one to learn)

Luckily, my close friends know the drill.  It’s a huge relief knowing that they are always there, even if I become a shut in.  I am so grateful to have people that will constantly come back to me and force me to remain a part of society despite my best efforts not to.  I really don’t make friends easily(obviously), so I am really glad I have the few that I do.

Now I am at the crossroads where I have to see if I can pull myself out of my anxiety cocoon holistically, or if I need to see professional help and medication.  I am exploring both options, but my leaning is towards dealing with this holistically as I hate, hate, hate medication.  It feels so unnatural.  I have a couple races on the horizon, but I literally can’t handle the thought of being around so many people right now – and its making me anxious (you see how this starts to spin out of control???)  So I really don’t know what to do.  It’s not like I’m injured, and pulling out of race for mental reasons seems ludacris.

So why am I spilling my guts to you all (all 3 of you!) I guess the worst part of all of this is that I just feel so incredibly alone, and I feel like maybe other people deal with extreme anxiety the way that I do, and they don’t know how to communicate it or ask for help (lord knows I don’t) so ideally, by reading this you:  1. Wont think I am an antisocial bitch, and 2. Will reach out to any one you know who might be struggling – trust me, no matter what, they really, really want you to.

So sorry to get all real there, it’s just been a huge part of my life the past couple months (All.  It’s been all of my life.) And it feels nice to get off my chest honestly.  That and I missed a bunch of birthdays on facebook because I was too scared to sign on, and that’s just lame.  I promise to return with a funny story about my mom.  And maybe some sassy comments about the suburbs. 



Two sick puppies.



Poor Matt.  If i was him, i would have run screaming from the infirmiry our apartment has become...



What is the worst thing that could possibly happen 3 weeks before your marathon?

The flu.

Ok, its probably not the very worst thing that could happen, so I should probably shut up before I jinx myself.  But, I am slightly less than pleased that during what is probably the most crucial week of work outs in training, I have been completely side lined.  The only redeeming thing in my illness is that Waffles has been sick all week too, and has been my constant cuddle buddy. She is having an IBS flair-up, (a particularly nasty one at that) so she has been having digestive problems for the past week (a nice way of saying explosive diarrhea.) 

Between the germ-ridden travel, the stress of cramming 5 days on work into 3 days, the emotional havoc of two days with a bunch of Huntingtons Disease people, and not having continuous sleep since March (Thanks Waffles, you poop monster….) has really caught up with me.  I have a friend (who just ran the Paris Marathon, Congrats Jess!!) that would always function at 110%.  She would get more done in a day than most people got done in a week, and I am still in awe of how she managed to do it.  I have a low tipping point, and whenever I try to go “Jess-mode,” the stress and exhaustion gets to be too much, my whole body shuts down.  My never ending drive to do all the things has left me side-lined on the couch (once again) with Waffles doing NONE of the things, other than eating plain rice and napping.



NAPPING.   Like a Boss.



We did walk down to the park this weekend, since we were both too sick to exercise, but wanted to enjoy the sunshine and fresh air.  It was really funny, because all the dogs, hyper as they were, would take a break to calmly come over and lay by my feet, like I am some kind of dog whisperer.  It’s weird the way that animals can sense sickness, and care for you in your own way.  Sometimes I think I am better around animals than people – they just get me. 

***I am still working on my DC post – the whole thing was much harder and more emotional than I thought it would be.  And now I feel like crap on top of it.  Waffles is spending the day with the vet.  Sadly, she doesn’t have the meat on her bones that I do, so where as I can stand to not eat and lose a few lbs (ok.  10 lbs.  I should probably lose 10 lbs.) she is so tiny to begin with that they need to keep her hydrated. 

The really hard part is that I feel guilty.  Guilty that I didn’t run 20 miles this weekend (even though prolonged standing is making me dizzy at this point).  Guilty that I didn’t run yesterday.  Guilty that I am not running right now as I type this.  Guilty that i can't take care of my stupid dog.  Guilty that i can't write a coherent blog post.  I know that it’s batshit crazy to feel that way, but whatevs, it’s how I roll.

Do you get running guilt when you’re sick?  What about marathon flu?  (this will be the 3^rd f***ing time I have gotten sick a few weeks before a marathon….what the heck?)

A damn good shot.

This past saturday, after my 18 mile run, rather than this:

like i normally do, i decided to check out Archery Bow Range Chicago.  

This actually not my first time to the range - my dad used to take me to the plug and pellet back in Rockford.  However, they didn't have any bows small or light enough back then, so i kinda sucked big time.  My little 10 year old arms just couldn't handle an adult bow.  I learned on a recurve bow when i was little, because thats what my dad had.  It was lighter, but also harder to draw.  

At ABR, i took an introductory clinic, because it had been such a long time.  I was a little worried it would be a herd of teenage girls hoping to be like Katniss, but i was really impressed with the diverse group they had.  Old, young, there was even a little 10 year old girl!  They suited me up with a compound bow which has little wheels, which makes it heavier, but much easier draw (i.e., easier to aim and shoot).

Just like when i was little, i have impeccable aim, but i tend to flinch when i fire the bow.  When you draw, your hand rests on your face, and i kept thinking i was going to graze my face, which is impossible.  So i either get bullseyes, or the arrow comes flipping back at everyone.  Luckily, our first lesson was bow safety, so even with my wild shots, we were all safe

Not my target.  mine usually consisted of two bullseyes, and one on the floor, perilously close to another archer.

I had a great time.  The introductory class was 90 minutes, and $25.  They provide all the gear, and make sure to fit you with a bow that will work well for you.  They usually have introductory classes on saturdays, and maybe on weekday, but the schedule changes, so make sure to look in advance.  Now that i went through the intro course, i can go to the range at any time and practice, so if anyone wants to shoot, call me!

*I enjoyed the class so much, i signed up Matt and I for a couples archery night next month.  Vwa ha ha!

Marathon Training week 11: a shift in priorities.

Yeah, I'm still here!

Miles: 19.5
Martinis: 3
Stretching: Constantly!!
Cross-training: Lots of time with the pup :)
Overall outlook?  Thats kind of a long story.

Kim wrote this post about priorities a while back that has been constantly on my mind.  I know that my blog, and running in general should be high on my priority list, but it just is not right now.  In fact, career has been at the top of my priority list for the past month.  I know that makes me sound like an asshole, but its true.  I really do want to be successful at my job.  As a result, everything else has suffered.  Mostly, running and the blog, though.  I have been terrible at keeping up with my own blog, and all my friend's blogs, and i promise you its something I'm working on right now.  Now that i started a new, and ultimately much better for me job, i am able to look back over the past few months, and realize I was really and seriously depressed, and i didn't even realize it.  I was so miserable, and i felt like there was no escape.  This week alone, my energy has tripled.  I have been catching up on every i have been neglecting for months (except the blog, whoopsies!) but primarily my health.  I am starting to feel human again.  All my training has been crap this year, not because i became a terrible runner, but because i was really unhealthy, mentally and physically.  

But now that i am in a better place, i can shift priorities again.  I can focus this energy and health into rebuilding myself as a runner again, something i have neglected.  I have been beating myself up over not being able to run as much or do as much as everyone else, and that is stupid because it just ends in tears and drinking.  I even had a breakdown over all this during my long run on Saturday - how i have been failing for the entire year.  A complete stranger just looked at me and said, "You're really hard on yourself, aren't you?"  And it kind of hit me that, yeah, i am kind of an asshole to myself.

I don't know where any of this is going, i just felt the need to explain why i have been absent, why i haven't been running, and why i have been neglecting the blog.  My priorities are in a state of constant movement right now.  My health is now shifting to priority one - Eating right, sleeping enough, and exercise!  Two things I am really excited about?  Joining a Roller Derby group (more on that later) and Soon joining the ymca by my work (probably more on that as well).  I am now able to start rebuilding myself, and i am very excited to do so.

I hope you will stick around watch :)

Sorry to get all serious- I have an awesome story about vomiting on the lakefront trail coming up tomorrow!