Friends in low places

I’m not gonna lie, part of me debated deleting any trace of the blog, and of my facebook this past weekend.  It seemed so much easier than actually dealing with things like a normal functioning adult.  But then my friend Jenny, the sole reader of my blog told me to get back to blogging because it used to entertain her when she was killing time at work.  So I am back for YOU, Jenny. 

So, I will start out with somber post about my absence, and then return to my snarky posts about Waffles, suburbia, bugs I have swallowed when running, martinis, and consistently sucking at life on every front.  Bear with me.

The reason I have been absent from basically all channels of social media is because I have crippling anxiety.  I have written posts about it before HERE, because honestly, running is a huge help.  My anxiety is in check like, 99% of the time, but every few years a major life event will occur and knock me completely off my axis.  In the past it’s been moving to Chicago at a young age, going to grad school, my dad dying.  This time it was a combination of my move to the suburbs, switching jobs, and turning 30.  And by too much I mean too much for me.  Any normal functioning human being would probably be a little stressed, but would pull through like a champ.

Sadly, I am not normal.  Having anxiety is the worst.  And I fully know it’s not really the worst, but it’s my blog and I say what I want.  What are the (my) symptoms of prolonged intense anxiety?  I can’t sleep.  I can’t eat.  Well, I can eat, but I feel so sick all the time that I am either not hungry, or my stomach just can’t handle food.  This makes me constantly dizzy and confused.  I cry randomly and constantly because I am so terrified of the world around me and I have nowhere to hide.  My heart constantly feels like its beating out of my chest, and somehow karate chopping my lungs making it difficult to breath. 

How do I cope?  Not well, obviously.  Mostly, I just don’t leave the house.  In fact, leaving the house terrifies me.  (except for the yard – the yard is awesome.)  Everyday is a legitimate struggle just to get in my car and drive to work (SO MUCH CAN GO WRONG!).  I don’t want to see my friends, or do any of the fun things I normally love, because I know that everyone in the world hates me, and is judging me, and out to get me (obviously, this is not true, but I FEEL this way).  The only reason I haven’t gone full scale Grey Gardens is because of Matt and Waffles.  Matt has been a real trooper.  Not only coercing me to leave the house, but he has been picking up the slack of all the errands I am too nervous to run, and helping out more around the house because my brain-dead zombie self can’t handle preparing a meal or folding a pair of jeans.  He has also been running with me.  Because obviously, if I ran alone terrible things would happen.  And when Matt can’t be there, Waffles picks up the slack.  For a tiny dog, she has been clocking some miles!  And for some reason I feel totally safe when she is with me, despite the fact that she is 17 lbs, would totally approach a serial killer in hopes of treats, and would leave my ass in a second if she saw a horse (She doesn’t like horses.  That was a fun one to learn)

Luckily, my close friends know the drill.  It’s a huge relief knowing that they are always there, even if I become a shut in.  I am so grateful to have people that will constantly come back to me and force me to remain a part of society despite my best efforts not to.  I really don’t make friends easily(obviously), so I am really glad I have the few that I do.

Now I am at the crossroads where I have to see if I can pull myself out of my anxiety cocoon holistically, or if I need to see professional help and medication.  I am exploring both options, but my leaning is towards dealing with this holistically as I hate, hate, hate medication.  It feels so unnatural.  I have a couple races on the horizon, but I literally can’t handle the thought of being around so many people right now – and its making me anxious (you see how this starts to spin out of control???)  So I really don’t know what to do.  It’s not like I’m injured, and pulling out of race for mental reasons seems ludacris.

So why am I spilling my guts to you all (all 3 of you!) I guess the worst part of all of this is that I just feel so incredibly alone, and I feel like maybe other people deal with extreme anxiety the way that I do, and they don’t know how to communicate it or ask for help (lord knows I don’t) so ideally, by reading this you:  1. Wont think I am an antisocial bitch, and 2. Will reach out to any one you know who might be struggling – trust me, no matter what, they really, really want you to.

So sorry to get all real there, it’s just been a huge part of my life the past couple months (All.  It’s been all of my life.) And it feels nice to get off my chest honestly.  That and I missed a bunch of birthdays on facebook because I was too scared to sign on, and that’s just lame.  I promise to return with a funny story about my mom.  And maybe some sassy comments about the suburbs. 



Doing Derby, and Marthons vs. Parades.

I have been planning to do a derby post for a while, so here it goes!

For the past few months, I have been skating with the derby lite girls.  What is Derby Lite?

1^st off, they aren’t paying me to write this, so know it’s coming straight from my drunken little heart.  Derby Lite is a series of classes/skate sessions for ex-derby girls, people who enjoy skating, or people who have never skated, but really want to learn.  Rather than full contact derby (which can be dangerous, especially to a runner) this is framed as a fitness skate session.  We do lots of planks, squats, and core building exercises throughout each session.  There are no scrimmages in the beginning and intermediate classes, but we will do drills.  The classes have a nice balance of people ranging from older women who obviously were teens in the 70’s-80’s “skate rink era” to younger ladies looking for an adventure, and then random people like me, who enjoy the derby scene, but can’t commit to it for a variety of reasons.  They have multiple instructors at each session, so people who are new to skating can get some sage wisdom on staying off their asses, and the rest of us can refine particular skills.  (For example, THIS GIRL cannot skate backwards)  All I know is that I am a pretty fit girl, and I leave every session dripping (seriously, wringing out my helmet pads) and sore (especially my core muscles!)

PROS:  It’s open to all the ladies.  No experience needed. 

It’s a good workout.  I can feel my posture changing when I run too – less hunching!

It’s a huge confidence booster!  Everyone is really supportive, and no one cares if you are the worst skater or the best.  Also, you will get real comfortable with your body, real fast.  It’s a very hands on sport, and even for drills, you will spend a lot of time holding on to someone’s sweaty hips for dear life.  Its funny how you don’t even think about your love-handles when you are trying to stay upright.

All my derby friends think I am badass for running marathons in my free time, and all my marathon friends think I am a badass for skating derby in my free time.  So either way, I’m a badass.

Skating in the pride parade (see below)

CONS:  It’s expensive.  The upfront costs for protective gear is pretty hefty, but necessary.  You don’t want to skimp when protecting your noggin.  Luckily, I had all my gear.  Another girl found a derby girl cleaning house on craigslist and apparently saved a ton.

It’s not comfortable.  All that gear just makes you even hotter and sweatier.  But still better than a concussion or busted kneecap.

Its not a huge organization, and skate rinks are few and far between.  The current locations where you can find Derby Lite are Oak Park (that’s where I skate), Chicago’s Northside, Lombard, and Palatine.  There are also some popping up across the nation, in Maine and Phoenix, I think!

So please check them out if you are interested – if I can do it, ANYONE can do it.  www.derbylite.net

Which brings me to the Gay Pride Parade!  Yes, I skated it in it.  And what did I learn?

1.        Condoms are super dangerous.  I kept tripping on them.

2.       Marathons really are just terrible parades.

The parade course is a portion of the Chicago marathon course.  Only for the parade, all the spectators were drunk, wearing costumes, SCREAMING at you (everyone loves the derby girls!) and pelting you with beads, candy, and condoms.  It almost makes the marathon seem boring.

The parade course was only like, 2 miles maybe, but you move soooo slow that it took probably two hours.  By the end, I was having a meltdown similar to mile 20 of the marathon.  I just can’t handle crowds of people staring at me and shouting at me for an extended period of time.  And this time I was wearing rainbow booty shorts and roller skates just to top everything off.  Luckily, I was in a pack of girls, all experiencing the same meltdown, so there was a lot of camaraderie and encouragement.

In short, just like the marathon, it was a once in a lifetime experience, but also a little much for this socially awkward girl, so it might be a one and done deal.  Or, like the marathon, I will probably eventually just get drunk and sign up again.  Only time will tell.  (spoiler, I frequently get drunk and commit to doing things outside of my comfort zone.)

The sun will come out, tomorrow....

Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow -  There'll be sun!

So won't you come out tomorrow?  and drink beers with me in the sunny beer garden of Happy Village for a good cause?

Ok, the truth is, i can't promise you sun (although it looks hopeful!)  but i can promise you $3 cans of New Belgium with 100% of the proceeds going to the Huntington's Disease Society of America.  And a ping pong tournament.  With awesome prizes.  So lets multi-task - drinking in beers, drinking in sun, and promoting a very worthy cause!  Even if you think me and my cause are stupid, its $3 New Belgium cans.  You can come and drink and tell me how lame I am.  It's totally cool with me. 

So BE THERE!!!

Tomorrow (Thursday) June 27th 6-9 at Happy Village in Chicago's Ukranian Village neighborhood.  (1059 N. Wolcott.  (near Damen and Division, or the Division blue line stop) 

Tell your friends!  Tell your enemies! For one night only, don't drink responsibly because you are drinking for a cure!

***ok, drink somewhat responsibly.  There has to be a happy medium.

Little House on the Prairie (path)

Our move to the suburbs is complete (for the most part) Things are still in a complete state of chaos, and I stupidly refused to take time off work, so the unpacking/settling in/attempt at normal living is moving at a glacial pace.  I haven’t run yet, I just don’t have the energy.  I have been up super late every night, and I can tell you, this girl does not do well on 4 hours of sleep a night. 

I would love to say that the move when great and was way easier than expected, but of course, it took  us like two hours just to get the couch out of our old place, and we damaged an entire wall and the couch in the process.  I have been spending just as much time in the city as when I lived there, because I am now cleaning and doing wall repair after work.  But, as much as I just want to complain, the second I put this pup in her brand new yard, I realized that no matter how bad it was, it was worth it.

After running around for 10 minutes, she ran into our brand new kitchen and power puked everywhere from excitement.

Yesterday was day two for our new suburban life.  I got caught in a terrible storm on the way home, and skipped roller derby to watch the hawks game in the safety of my house.  Only when I got there, the power was out.  I can tell you right now, city folk do not know what to do during a power outage.  I think in my 10 years in Chicago, I have never gone more than 40 minutes without power.  So, we clung to our two battery operated decorative pillar candles from Pottery Barn, and drank all the beer.  (it’s the first to go bad, right?)  It was hard times, let me tell you.  Poor Waffles is used to having her food microwaved, and all I could do was hold it over a candle.  It was lukewarm at best. #FWDP (First World Dog Problems)  I also found out that our stove doesn’t work when the power was out, so we were forced to forage for food.  I found some wild strawberries in the yard – Oregon Trail style.  I also found some Queso Fiesta goldfish crackers I purchased recently at Target (Sara Style)

Luckily, the power returned with about 9 minutes left in the 3^rd period of the Hawks game. 

We got to watch our Hawks win, only I didn’t know what to do.  Last time, I was in the city, so we had run into the streets for some street drinking.  The suburbs were much quieter.  There were still fireworks however, so we blared Chelsea Dagger, as I danced in the yard with my beer.  You can take the girl out of the City, but she will just get drunk and do the same things in the suburbs anyway.  And probably violate public noise ordinances in the process. 

What REALLY goes on at Ragnar.

As a disclaimer, I had the best time at Ragnar.  My teammates all wrote blog posts that you can check out here that describe what it’s like to actually run Ragnar, their take on it, etc. 

 Kelly the Culinarian
Running Kellometers
Get to Goal
See Mommy Race  

Mag Mile Runner

I couldn’t have asked for a better team - each and every one of them was a delight!  The weather was great, our drivers were OFF THE HOOK amazing, and even our “theme” was super fun – who doesn’t love to run around with an American flag shouting “USA! USA!”  And don’t even get me started on our fantastic sponsors.  We were all dressed to the nine’s, and I am pretty sure we were equipped to handle anything because of their generosity.  You guys rock!

So, in short, there is lots of running and camaraderie and what not, but here is what REALLY happens when 9 ladies squeeze into a van, stop being nice, and start getting real.  (I’m just kidding.  Everyone was super nice!

1.       No matter what pre-portioned food you pack for yourself, someone will inevitably bring something way better, and everyone will pounce.  Hunger makes people crazy.  So if you are going to be that awesome person that makes pasta salad, be ready for a pack of wolves hungry runner ladies to descend on you like it’s feeding time in the Serengeti.  (are there wolves in the Serengeti?  I don’t know.  It just sounded way more exotic than central Wisconsin.)  Thanks for the pasta salad, Suzanne.  Sorry we ate it all.

2.       As the event starts out, you will discretely find a rest room to change in.  Especially if one of your teammates husbands is driving.   But by the end, you will be ass naked, rolling around in the back of a van.  In broad daylight.  Because you have lost any sense of shame or modesty at this point.  If vans had ceiling fans, there would be undies hanging from them.  It’s like burning man, only your stuck in a van, and most likely not on drugs.  And we might have smelled better than burning man (which says a lot, as about half-way through this thing, our driver said we smelled like a bunch of sweaty babies, whatever that means.)

bra's on the ceiling!

3.       You will yell at boyscouts when they tell you it will take 30 minutes to make a veggie burger.  Don’t judge, you weren’t there*.  But in all honestly, they are pre-cooked and just need to be re-heated! Life lesson!  

Stolen from Kelly, because i ate mine too fast.

*it wasn’t me who yelled at the kids, I know you all figured it was though.

4.       You will see majestic sunrises….

5.       But you will also learn what a poop mountain is.  Thanks, Maggie.  I am still having nightmares.  If you don't know what it is, enjoy that.  Because you can never get that innocence back.

6.       You’re going to take a Ke$ha shower.  Whether that means wiping yourself down with baby wipes, or covering yourself with glitter and fake tattoos, either way, its going to happen at Ragnar.  (What IS the actual definition of a Ke$ha shower?  Help me out, Urban Dictionary!)

Those are stink lines, not sun-rays

7.       You will take two work calls WHILE running your first leg.  Then you will scream at your boss about how you are running an ultra marathon relay race, and can't deal with client demands while in motion.  Oh wait, that was just me??

8.       Obviously, you will need to wear sunglasses and a reflective vest at the same time.

9.       You will fly into a two hour rage until somebody finds you coffee and pancakes.

Liquid calm.

10.   And lastly, you will return home to find all the beer has been drank in your absence, and replaced with swill.  DAMN YOU JORDAN!!!

 So go run Ragnar.  You can eat twizzlers for breakfast, and no one will judge you for it.

Back in the saddle again.

Like a moth to the flame, I’m back.

Things have been fairly hectic, and I haven’t had the time to keep up with everyone’s blogs, which made me feel like a bad friend/blogger/human being.  Plus, rather than write short, crappy blog posts, I would rather just wait until things simmer down and I have the time to write quality blog posts again.

Turns out, that will never happen.  (also turns out I never had quality posts in the first place – touché!)

I am now half way through my “6 months of stupid” as Bobbi calls it.  That means I have been at my new job for 3 months, and it is still a huge challenge to try and master so many new, engineering-heavy things.  I have strategically started to make alliances by keeping Hershey’s kisses on my desk, and it seems to be working.  Straight to the top, this one!

Matt also started a new job a few weeks ago!  I have been trying to help out as much as I can with the pup and general chores to take some of the burden off of him, but either way, it’s a lot of change for us.  Good change, but change all the less.  The main issue with Matt’s job is that the commute is horrendous.  Which leads to the next big change.

Matt and I are leaving Chicago.  I didn’t even want to type it, because that just makes it real.  Although we are moving next weekend, so it’s already pretty freaking real.  I have lived in Chicago for the past 10 years, and the thought of leaving makes me really sad.  But, I also always knew that Matt does not love Chicago the way I do.  The traffic, the crime, the noise, has always bothered him, and he has put up with it for me.  So now, I will be experiencing all that the west suburbs has to offer for him.   (Spoiler: it’s Olive Gardens.  Lots of em.)  So, as I begrudgingly swap the Lakefront Path for the Prairie Path, I am basically looking for people still in the city to not forget me, because basically I am only 20 miles away, and honestly, I can run that far if need be.

Most importantly, what does Waffles think about all this?

“Hey guys.  Waffles here!  So you might have heard I’m moving, and the truth is, I am pretty psyched.   I will now have my very own fenced yard to poop in, and there is a tree to lure squirrels.  Stupid squirrels.  Mom has been moping around talking about how much she will miss everything, but I don’t get it.  Every week she would whine about parking tickets and rush hour traffic.  Sure I will miss my city friends, but I am pretty cute and make friends easily.  Plus, mom and dad are getting me a year pass to the Dupage county off-leash dog park system!  There are also lots of nature trails, which I love to run on.  I hear the food is not the same, but to be quite honest, I ate a stick of body glide last week, so my tastes are questionable at best.  And, just to make sure I can visit Chicago anytime I want, I am learning how to drive.  Mom says I am already better than half the drivers in Chicago!”

So, stay tuned for the adventures of Suburban Foxxx!

The stress fracture scare of 2013

I was a little lax on my blogging last week.  Two reasons:  

1.  Rachel and I put hella man hours into Team Run for HD.  I think its going to be a really awesome fundraising year for us, and we already have a few great events on the calendar!  So pumped!  (and exhausted!)

2.  I started having foot pain.  Not like "awwww, my feet are sore", but more of a "this spot feels broken" sort of pain.  Obviously, having just run two races i was severely undertrained for, my mind instantly jumps to stress fracture.  (for the record, i thought i had skin cancer the previous week, but it turned out to be melted chocolate.  Because thats normal too.) I think i jumped to that conclusion because that's the worst thing that could happen right now.  I am starting to feel great about running finally, because i am not stressed or beating myself up, and i am enjoying the shorter, faster runs without a marathon looming in the near future.

Don't fear, Ragnar teammates, it's most likely not a stress fracture.  But i do have a dilemma on my hands.  Between roller derby, running, and summer walking, my feet will only allow me two out of three.

The helmet is filling in for my skate because i am too lazy to walk down the street and get my skate out of the car

We all know running is hard on the feet.  And so is roller derby - you shove your feet in uncomfortable skates, and you stretch all those foot muscles as you try to stay standing.  And then summer sandals - don't get me started (or even worse - toms! so painful!).  I have a desk job, so it's not like i am on my feet all day, but i do spend a lot of time strolling the streets with waffles, and gladiator sandals do not provide the foot support you would assume they would with a name like gladiator sandals.

Which two would you choose?  I am naturally going to kiss my fashionable sandals goodbye.  But i am not happy about it.  What am i supposed to wear all summer?  Don't they make supportive sandals?  Like nurses shoes in sandals form??

Woe is me.

But seriously - what is on your feet this summer?  Or should i just make a statement and go barefoot everywhere?