|Tragically, this is really what my off-season body looks like...|
1. The tree's already dead. I am fairly certain i killed it with my love, just like every other plant in the house. It also doesn't help that Waffles will not stay away from it, and has managed to strip all the bottom branches bare in attempt to eat all the pine needles.
So yeah. It's December 12th, and we have a dead tree, and a carpet of pine needles.
2. If you think sticking reindeer antlers on your car enables you to cut me off without repercussions, in the name of Christmas spirit - YOU ARE WRONG. I am actually infinitely more likely to run you off the road, now that i know you can fly, you jerk.
3. Because my love of pinterest and home decor outweighs my hatred of christmas, i set up this candle display on the window sill, adorned ( YES ADORNED) with cranberries and key limes.
Only every morning, i look and there are less cranberries. So either elves are pilfering my decorations, we have mice, or Matt is eating my hard work for a second christmas in a row. I DIDN'T EVEN WASH THEM, MATT. I hope you get some kind of weird cranberry disease. And seriously, if it's mice, I am going freak out. Real bad.
4. You know what really sucks? Not having a fireplace. Matt and i have been sitting in front of the netflix fire video every night. Screw you central heating and cooling! Your efficient temperature moderation is cruel and unauthentic, and ruining my christmas!
5. I was going to pick up an ugly christmas sweater for a party this weekend, when i soon realized after visiting FOUR salvation armys, that ugly christmas sweaters are exclusively for the first world elite. Case in point:
This little scrooge spends his free time buying all the cheapo ugly christmas sweaters, and then selling them online for $50+
Are. You. Freaking. KIDDING ME???? I might be a grinch, but you my friend, are the scroogiest scrooge that ever scrooged! Seriously, who does this shit. All i wanted was an ugly Christmas sweater, and instead i got WAR. IT'S ON, BUDDY.
6. While i don't expect my poorly drawn photoshop stockings to filled on Christmas morning, i am fairly certain that if they were, they would be filled with Coal. I wish! I'm sorry, but the value of coal has been skyrocketing. I think it's at $150.00 per short ton. I have no idea what a short ton breaks down to, but whatever the value of a stockings worth, it has to be more than valuable than the usual Bonne Bell lipsmacker gift pack.
7. In what world is it socially acceptable to plug in a strand of lights and then pile them onto a random bush in your yard. You aren't even trying. (Unless you're Helen Keller. In which case it looks great, sweetheart.)
Either put some effort into it, or just don't do it at all. Don't make me look at your laziness.
8. Can we just talk about how wrong that "Do they know it's christmas?" song is? Seriously - how is it even ok to play this on the radio?? Of course there's not snow in sub-Saharan Africa. Seriously, why are we on their case about it? Do you have any idea how close to the equator they are? Do we have the same sympathies for Costa Rica? Barbados? Ireland?? (Hey - they rarely have snow - true story.) AND, you know what? They DO know it's Christmas. You know why? Post-colonialism.
For shame, Bob Geldof. FOR SHAME!!
*(sorry. every time i bring up post-colonialism, an angel gets it wings.)
**(I'm lying. I'm just a jerk like that.)
9. And lastly, everything about eggnog pisses me off. Just the sight of it makes me want punch babies. There is a fine line between eating raw eggs ( cookie dough <3) and drinking it. And i am on the right side of that line. ARE YOU WITH ME????