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| Tragically, this is really what my off-season body looks like... |
1. The tree's already dead. I am fairly certain i killed it with my love, just like every other plant in the house. It also doesn't help that Waffles will not stay away from it, and has managed to strip all the bottom branches bare in attempt to eat all the pine needles.
BA HUMBUG!
2. If you think sticking reindeer antlers on your car enables you to cut me off without repercussions, in the name of Christmas spirit - YOU ARE WRONG. I am actually infinitely more likely to run you off the road, now that i know you can fly, you jerk.
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3. Because my love of pinterest and home decor outweighs my hatred of christmas, i set up this candle display on the window sill, adorned ( YES ADORNED) with cranberries and key limes.
BA HUMBUG!
4. You know what really sucks? Not having a fireplace. Matt and i have been sitting in front of the netflix fire video every night. Screw you central heating and cooling! Your efficient temperature moderation is cruel and unauthentic, and ruining my christmas!
5. I was going to pick up an ugly christmas sweater for a party this weekend, when i soon realized after visiting FOUR salvation armys, that ugly christmas sweaters are exclusively for the first world elite. Case in point:
http://www.ultimateuglychristmas.com/
This little scrooge spends his free time buying all the cheapo ugly christmas sweaters, and then selling them online for $50+
Are. You. Freaking. KIDDING ME???? I might be a grinch, but you my friend, are the scroogiest scrooge that ever scrooged! Seriously, who does this shit. All i wanted was an ugly Christmas sweater, and instead i got WAR. IT'S ON, BUDDY.
BA HUMBUG!
6. While i don't expect my poorly drawn photoshop stockings to filled on Christmas morning, i am fairly certain that if they were, they would be filled with Coal. I wish! I'm sorry, but the value of coal has been skyrocketing. I think it's at $150.00 per short ton. I have no idea what a short ton breaks down to, but whatever the value of a stockings worth, it has to be more than valuable than the usual Bonne Bell lipsmacker gift pack.
7. In what world is it socially acceptable to plug in a strand of lights and then pile them onto a random bush in your yard. You aren't even trying. (Unless you're Helen Keller. In which case it looks great, sweetheart.)
BA HUMBUG!
8. Can we just talk about how wrong that "Do they know it's christmas?" song is? Seriously - how is it even ok to play this on the radio?? Of course there's not snow in sub-Saharan Africa. Seriously, why are we on their case about it? Do you have any idea how close to the equator they are? Do we have the same sympathies for Costa Rica? Barbados? Ireland?? (Hey - they rarely have snow - true story.) AND, you know what? They DO know it's Christmas. You know why? Post-colonialism.
For shame, Bob Geldof. FOR SHAME!!
*(sorry. every time i bring up post-colonialism, an angel gets it wings.)
**(I'm lying. I'm just a jerk like that.)
BA HUMBUG!
9. And lastly, everything about eggnog pisses me off. Just the sight of it makes me want punch babies. There is a fine line between eating raw eggs ( cookie dough <3) and drinking it. And i am on the right side of that line. ARE YOU WITH ME????
BA HUMBUG!!
A great time to buy ugly Christmas sweaters is at the thrift store a few weeks after Christmas... when everyone who spent $50 on it, gives them away. Perhaps this is one of the few things that the suburbs have that the city doesn't. I haven't had trouble finding them at the thrift stores. Also many suburban folks wear them for real, to work and to the grocery store.
ReplyDeleteI need to find out this fire watching channel.
If you see any - snatch them up - they are worth their weight in gold!! Also, i love that they are worn regularly in the suburbs. Point - suburbs.
DeleteHaha, good to know. I also have picked up sweaters at garage sales in the summer. Going through this again, I realize that there seem to be an abnormally large amount of people decorating their cars like reindeer this year. I just don't get it.
DeleteI saw an SUV with a full size light up wreath...i didn't get a picture though. But, come on, really?
DeleteI am totally one of those annoying people that gets suuuper into the Christmas spirit, but that is just a bit much.
DeleteSo, I guess I missed the post....Why do you hate Christmas? If its the commercialism of it I totally agree but we all don't go down that road.
ReplyDelete;-)
My dad died on Christmas, so i have sort of have been at war with the whole season ever since. I assure you, i don't really hate it, just attacking the commercial parts of it has been my coping mechanism. Just for laughs :)
DeleteOh, so sorry to hear....I can only imagine how hard that would be.
DeleteOK....now the antlers on the cars??? Really??? I have seen a few vehicles around MN like that too??? Good one...do they think they can fly?? ha!
I will not go near egg nog.
ReplyDeleteI will however lift that decor idea. I'm off to scout for key limes right now..oh and an ugly sweater too since I do not have one either.
Just be warned, the key limes start to discolor after a week and half. The bag came with so many though, i was able to swap them out :)
DeleteHILARIOUS!!!!! And amen to still cutting off drivers who have antlers on their cars. I have equal-opportunity road rage!
ReplyDeleteThank God i am not the only one! Although i saw a man with a menorah on his van today, perfectly obeying all traffic rules, and i gave him a thumbs up. There is hope for us yet!
DeleteI am jealous I did not come up with the idea for an online ugly Christmas sweater site. Although maybe I'll borrow Kelly's advice and clean out Goodwill post-Christmas and open an online store next November ...
ReplyDeleteIf you do, i expect a discount.
DeleteBest. Effing. Post. EVER!
ReplyDeleteAnd seriously, if I wanted to spend that much on an ugly Christmas sweater, I'd buy this: http://www.inknburn.com/women/long-sleeve/women-s-holiday-sweater-long-sleeve-tech-shirt.html
That shirt is seriously awesome! I would wear that baby all winter long! Sadly, as refuse to drop $50 on a christmas sweater, awesome or ironic, i will just end up making something.
Deletei actually lol'd multiple times during this post. well played my friend
ReplyDeleteI'm sadly struggling for the spirit this year myself. Bah!
ReplyDeleteI'm kinda grinch-y too. We didn't even put ornaments on my 3ft tall fake tree I have had for 10 years. It comes with lights on it, its good enough. ;-) We have a nice fireplace in our house thats only been used once in 5 years, but I get scared its gonna burn our house down with a live fire. I'ma wuss like that.
ReplyDeleteoh noooo, haha - time to get that chimney cleaned! ;)
DeleteThis post made my day. Can't wait to see you and celebrate Pumking!
ReplyDeleteAmazing.
ReplyDeleteI am feeling like a Christmas grinch this year too! Everything is annoying me and making me feel cranky. I feel overwhelmed right now. I was supposed to go to an ugly Christmas sweater party, but didn't even have time (or I was too lazy) to even check out Goodwill. I might have to make a note to look after Christmas now.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, you would have wasted the time searching, and then been all angry like me!
DeleteEggnog is so sickly sweet that I can't have more than one sip a year. That antler SUV guy also has tinsel on his bumper?
ReplyDeleteThe nerve of that guy!
DeleteI am not one to bash Christmas, but I freaking love this post. I'm going to Africa for Christmas in real life...and Christmas is way less comercial and contains no egg nog or cars with reindeers.....#winning.
ReplyDeletejealous! That sounds AWESOME!
DeleteI cannot condone the eggnog hate. Cuban eggnog is the best. The amount of rum totally makes the drinking raw eggs part a non-issue. I guess I could do without regular eggnog, though.
ReplyDeleteIs it better if you call it rumnog?
I would absolutely be willing to give rumnog a shot!
DeleteHahaha, i hate on it so that all of you can love it - I am taking one for the team!
ReplyDeleteHahahahaha. I am SO with this post. I just wrote one myself about why I'm a total scrooge. But seriously. I hate eggnog. With a passion.
ReplyDelete