Thursday, August 30, 2012

Race Code Etiquette

A Gingerfoxxx PSA.

I am putting this one out there, because i really think a lot of people might not know.
(I only figured this out as i am coordinating a charity race group)

Here's the deal.  I like to consider myself a savvy girl.  If order anything online, i use a coupon code.  (hellloooooo, running warehouse!)  I mean, we're in a recession, and a girl has to be thrifty!

Sometimes for races, you can also get discount codes - for registering early, etc.  Here's the thing though - how often do we stop and think where that code is actually coming from?

As a charity, all the Team Run for HD runners were given a code for discounted registration.  Now, we didn't flash that code around, you have to get it by request through our website. In exchange for that discount, our charity pledges volunteers.  For every 5 people who use that code, we have to provide one volunteer for 5 hours.  Seems fair right?

Well, unfortunately, some people leaked our charity code.  I have three people that signed up with MY code just to get the discount.  After relentlessly emailing them in an increasingly bitchy way, they 'fessed up.  I highly doubt any of them had any ill-intentions, and simply just wanted a discount for a somewhat expensive race.  In fact, i don't think they even know where the code came from, as one girl seemed truly embarrassed over the whole thing.

So no harm, no foul, right?

Except heres the catch.  Those three hooligans are enough to force me to come up with one more volunteer.  And if you really want to get into the numbers. i usually charge around $125-150 as a consultancy hourly rate (In case you ever need amazing industrial design services) so to have to forfeit 5 hours of my precious time is really $625 loss for a $5 coupon code.  See where i am going here?

Granted, i was going to volunteer anyway.  And i suckered my favorite cousin Ammanda to volunteer, and it will just be more time to spend with her that weekend.  But - as a PSA - consider where your race discount codes are coming from, and what kind of crazy butterfly effect they might have on me!  (and, i suppose, other people)

***(And if you haven't figured out, i will be at packet pick-up for the Chicago Half Marathon next Saturday Morning - stop by and say hi if your there!)

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Two weeks worth of problems!

This is what happens when i don't have my laptop to vent.  The problems just add up!!

1. I had my first foray into nature last night when i stepped off of a trail for a moment.
Thats a burr on my shoe!  WTF?  obviously by my horrified response of photographing the burr while making a whimpering noise, i do not belong in nature.  Maybe i shouldn't have signed up for the trail marathon.


2.  I don't know what is going on with my snaggle-toe, but it has decided to piss me off by shredding through all my socks!
Multi-packs of brightly colored cotton socks aren't cheap, ya know!!
(ok, actually, they are kind of cheap.  Maybe that is the source of the problem.)


3.  Yellow jackets have infested my work.  They have a hive by the door, and keep sneaking in with all the smokers.  And of course, they come right to my desk, because i have all the candy.
This guy is obviously just looking for a world of trouble.


4. Screw you, Asia and your crazy, unrealistic portion sizes.
One box, one serving.  This is america.

Et tu, hello panda?  ET TU??


5.  I don't like donuts (yeah, yeah, shock, awe, gasp) but i am so hungry at work that i feel like i am dying most days.  So i raided the monday Munchkin box, and ate all the sprinkles off of the sprinkled munchkins, while my co-worker watched in horror.  I'm like some kind of monster.

6.  why? Why? WHY?  WHYYYYY?????
I am appalled.  And this is coming from someone who actually has a bottle of cake flavored vodka at home.  Way to shame drinking, Pauly D.


7. So we bought a package of american cheese and....

You know what?  Thats a problem all on its own.
Buying american cheese?

8.  But seriously, the package of cheese we bought, obviously had some kind of packaging malady, and the sides of the individually wrapped cheese slices were cut off, allowing all the slices to fuse together into some kind of terrifying mega-cheese-blob.

9.  I am such a terrible person, but this was the highlight of my week.
That little old lady deserves a medal for sheer awesomeness.  I laugh everytime i look at this painting.  And, to embrace it even further, someone read my mind and started photoshopping the painting into other images.  Have a laugh HERE.
We are all bad people now.


10.  And lastly, Guess who got her mis-behaving self submitted to dog shaming?

(and hopefully i will have a computer by next week - which will solve my biggest first world problems.  I feel so out of the loop, and can't wait to catch up on everyone's blogs!)

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Technology update!

Well, i don't have an ipad. (whaaah whaaahhhhh) In the end it was determined that while i could suffice with an ipad, i would get annoyed with certain aspects, and i am such a grouch to begin with, the poor apple store guy thought it was a bad idea.  So, my darling Macbook pro is in the shop getting it's screen replaced.  It's kind of a gamble with a five year old laptop, but if i can get just one more year out of it, i will be happy.  I just don't have the money to blow right now with the upcoming trip!

So what have i been up to other than being the worlds worst blogger?

1. Cleaning!  The apartment is pretty impressive these days.  It turns out i have a lot of extra time when i don't spend an hour before work parked on the couch blogging every day.

2.  Hanging out with this jerk.
We started puppy classes again after putting them on hiatus when she had all her surgery complications.  Turns out, she forgot everything we taught her, and somehow learned how to be even more bad.  She actually was used by the instructor as a demo dog on how to do everything wrong.  My shame was unfathomable.  And, as we were leaving - carrying her out of petsmart because she was being SO bad, a woman walks up to her, gets in her face and says "a basenji!  she is so stressed out, i can see it in her eyes!"  No lady, I'M stressed out.  

3.  I ran with these awesome ladies (and awesome dude)
I'm definitely suffering from lack of motivation during high mileage weeks, and being around other people makes a world of difference.  I am also painfully aware of how unprepared i am for the Chicago Half Marathon.  It makes me sad.  Miracles can happen, right??

4. And lastly, some of this happened.  
Seriously, farmer John, you amaze me.  One of those carrots is as big as my forearm.  In a drought, no less.  I commend you.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Woe is me.

My beautiful laptop has died.

Actually, just the screen died.  And i totally 100% blame Matt.

I'm just kidding, it's not his fault at all.  He just happened to be the unlucky one using it when it went out.  Which is ironic seeing as the dog has knocked it off the couch at least 3 times.  Regardless, the cost to fix the screen is $300, which i am finding hard to justify for a 5 year old macbook.  I really only use it these days to read people's blogs, hold my itunes and pictures, and check the weather.  I used to use it to do all my design work, but now i have a great computer at work, and we have a nice tower computer at home as well for work projects.  

I'm debating getting an iPad.  Does anyone have one?  If i am going to spend a chunk of money, i would almost rather get something more suited for my needs, rather than fix a 5 year old lap top that is probably on its last leg.  How long do these things kick around for, anyway??

Anyway, I will probably be somewhat quiet this week, as i have no computer, and they frown on me reading blogs at work.  Don't take it personally -it's all Matt's fault.

Looks like my lucky streak has officially ended! C'est la vie!

Monday, August 20, 2012

Arlo & Me

I do not know where the heck this weekend went, all i know is that i am more tired than when the weekend started, and that i plan to be at HAPPY VILLAGE tonight drinking for a cure, so please stop by if your in the neighborhood!!

I actually managed to stay on track with running this weekend.  I couldn't deal with the thought of trying to park anywhere along the lakefront with the Air and Water show going on all weekend (I have so many talents, but parking is admittedly not one of them.) So instead, i skipped the CARA training run, and went and ran with the Zooma race series ambassadors!
It was the most perfect day for running, and i had a blast.  Even though Zooma did not choose me to be an ambassador *tiny violin playing* I can still tag along, and this is a super fun group to run with!  Plus we got to run in Busse woods - i have only run there once before, and it was when i had my complete breakdown at the Schaumburg Turkey Trot half marathon, so i had been too busy crying to notice they have real live elk there!!
Good times.

On Sunday, Rachel and I got to go to Ravinia on behalf of Team Run for HD!  Arlo Guthrie was playing for the Woody Guthrie centennial, and they let us set up a table and fundraise.

I know i have been extra grouchy lately about the whole fundraising thing.  And i think we all know how hard fundraising is.  And trying to direct a group of fundraisers is like herding cats.  But while we were out there, a woman came up and said her sister in law died of huntingtons disease, and that she had never known any one else with it, or how to access resources/information.  I told her i sympathized with what she had gone through, and she started tearing up, and telling me how awful it had been.  I just asked her if i could giver her a hug, and told her this is why we were here.

And then it hit me.  This is why we were there.  No matter how much the day to day logistics annoy me, it's important for me to be out there.  And i was really glad i was there.

And, as a bonus, Rachel and I got to meet Arlo Guthrie!!
He is the nicest guy ever, especially considering Rachel and I just walked onto his bus and said hello.  Unfortunately, no one under 50 knows who Arlo Guthrie is apparently, so my bragging isn't getting me very far at all.  

Anyone else have a celebrity sighting this weekend??

Thursday, August 16, 2012

I'm not even drunk!

But i have had too much coffee, and as a direct result, i signed up for this!

I am going to do my first trail marathon in 2013!

The North Country Run is a full marathon, half marathon, and 50 mile trail run in Michigan!  The price is reasonable, and they won me over with their promise of veggie burgers, two beers (they know how i roll.), and a jacket with my name on it (Gingerfoxxx, obvi).

And to be honest, i love Michigan, and i love nature, so this seems like something i would enjoy, minus the whole running 26 miles in August thing.  (minor details)

Most importantly, they have a finishers medal that Flava-Flav accused of being too big, and i am sucker for things like that.
Either way, I'm pumped.  I like to have a race I signed up for in the distant future, out of the fear that i will finish a marathon, remember how painful it is, and then never sign up for one again.  This way, i have no choice but to do it :)  Is anyone else looking way too far ahead into 2013?  Just me??

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Grocery shopping? Over it.

Thanks for everyone who put up with my whining yesterday.  And double thanks to anyone who actually chanced it and came back today.  It sounds like a lot of us are in the same boat, and i take a small comfort in that.  And i am excited just to run an event with so many awesome people leaving me in the dust, and cheering from the sidelines, near and far!

Yesterday afternoon, i was worried about what the eff i would write about today, with my lack of problems this past week.  Then i had to go get groceries.  

Ask, and you shall receive.

1.  So i woke up this morning to a particularly snarky letter from the condo board about dogs being off leash in public areas.  There are actually lots of dogs in the building, and some of them do run around in the "courtyard" but never waffles, because i just don't trust her.  Apparently dogs have to be leashed at all times, even in the freaking stairway.  Granted, my dog does break into peoples apartments, but it is cute and lovable.  This minor inconvenience of leashing my dog in the hallway to go downstairs has sent me into a rage.

Sorry my 15lb barkless, hypo-allergenic, no-shed, super-friendly dog is such a threat to everyone.


2.  Matt woke me up in the middle of the night yelling about a giant spider, and then trailing off to straight up jibberish, and then falling back asleep.  While he proceeded to peacefully slumber the rest of the night, i was curled up in a ball, wide awake and ready to defend myself against this so-called giant spider.  He remembers none of this.

3.  Why is it that every time i have to swing by the grocery store after a sweaty and gross run, i am looking for something impossible to find without assistance.  I have actually had a guy at whole foods touch my back while attempting to point me in the right direction, only to recoil in horror by the fact that i am soaking wet.  I am so sorry, chicagoland grocery stores....


4.  This is what happens when i am at the grocery store after running 8 miles....
Seriously, what was i thinking?  Why did i buy this? What the eff am i going to do with this?  We don't have ice cream or hot cocoa.  I have problems.


5.  This happens too.
Sadly though, by the time i got home, it was too late to drink it, because i can't have that much sugar before my 9pm bedtime, otherwise I would have been the one having giant spider nightmares.


6.  I'm finally at an age where i find getting carded for things flattering, but this one crossed the line.
Really?  Your going to card me for buying vanilla extract???  I'm sorry that you have me confused with a troublesome teen, rather than a poor girl who just wants to make some god damn muffins.  Obviously, i wasted 10 minutes fighting with them about this, rather than just show them my ID.  FYI, if you are a problematic teen, who goes around to all the Trader Joe's hoarding the Pure Bourbon Vanilla Extract, you're a freaking moron.  And, they're on to you.


7.  ummmm....


8.  I have told Matt about a dozen times to stop putting the lemons next to the onions, because it makes them mold.  We have lost like 8 lemons in the past two weeks because of this oversight.  I turn my back for one second, and what happens?


9.  The whole reason i even went to the store was to buy cracked wheat so i could make tabouleh (tabouli? tabbouli?)  Do you think i could find this anywhere in the entire store?  NO.  I spent 40 minutes, and enlisted 3 clerks on this mission, and still failed.  Finally, i purchased this, because it was the grain most resembling cracked wheat visually.

10.  And here's the shocker.  It turned out to be some kind of oatmeal-like kosher breakfast cereal, and the meal was an epic fail.  This is why i should not ever be put in charge of the groceries.  EVER.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Do you like ping pong?

I bet you do!

I would like to first and foremost extend an invite to everyone in the Greater Chicago area to a charity event on monday night!  Team run for HD is taking over Happy Village in Ukrainian Village.  They are graciously donating the proceeds from every Amstel light sold, and we will be having a very intense ping pong competition (with prizes)  And by intense, i mean i generally need to tape the paddle to my hand to avoid injuring people with my awfulness.

Its sure to be a good evening, so if your in the area, please stop by, and invite your friends!!


And on another note, i feel the need to vent.  About my family (this is your chance to get out while you still can!!!!!!)  I love my family, i really truly do.  But sometimes, SOMETIMES, i want to lock them all up and waterboard them

**(disclaimer: I am not entirely sure what waterboarding even involves, so if it's really bad, i totally take it back.)

The problem is entirely me.  I function at a pretty steady 110%.  I have always been a mover and shaker, and solid type A personality.  But, somehow, i am the only one...

When i embarked on this mission to really make Team Run for HD a huge an awesome entity, everyone was 100% behind me.  I mean, my mom should care, right?  She is going to have to watch her children die if we don't find a cure.  And my brother should care - he is one of those children!  But here we are, 25 days until the event, and every last person has backed out except my cousin Ammanda.  Because she's the greatest.  And now i look like an asshole.  Because i promised all these people would run and fundraise, and volunteer, and now "everyone has to work" or "something is going on."  Matt was kind enough to point out "What did i really expect?"  

But you know what, this one time I expected them to follow through, and NOT make me look like an asshole.  And i am filled with jealousy over any one who will have their family in the crowds for the Chicago Marathon, because all of mine think the hour long trip is just too long to watch something as stupid as running.  And thats fine.  And i stand by my promise that if any one of them ever actually does something, ANYTHING, i will be there in full support.  But for the moment, i am going to be pissed off.  And it's totally fine because none of them read my blog anyway.

Ok, whiney pants are off, big girl pants are on, and i am done.
The end.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Holy crap, there is a LOT going on!

Last summer was a whirlwind of weddings, and this summer is a whirlwind of BABIES!  Between babies being born, showers, announcements, etc, i am starting to be concerned that there is something in the water!

This weekend i got to celebrate my good friend Tammy's soon to be baby boy!

Obviously, she is the pregnant one :)
It doesn't hurt that they lured me there with my own personal pie.  Miniaturizing desserts so that i can eat them in entirety all by myself is a one way ticket straight into my heart!

Don't be too concerned though, as there are no plans for baby foxes in the near future.  I can't even take care of myself!

I am also now just two months away from my very first international trip!  We have booked all our rooms, flights, cars, and everyone has their passports, thanks to my diligent badgering.  I am seriously ready to burst with excitement for the Dublin Marathon, and the whole trip in general.  Can you believe my brother has never been on a plane??

You gotta hand it to the kid, he's brave!  I cried the entire time on my first flight.  Also, i was 23.  My poor mom is going to need to sedate us both.

You also may have noticed my sucking at blogging lately.  I have a lot on my plate in the upcoming weeks!  First, i have been running a lot!  The weather has been beautiful!  I can't get enough.  I just want to run all the time.  I even finally got this kid to start his marathon training.  You know, with 8 weeks to go....
Thats Aaron, one of my best friends, who will be running the Chicago Marathon this year for the Red Cross, his very first!

And lastly, i have 26 days until the Chicago Half Marathon!  That means i need to do some serious work if i want to meet my time goal, as well as the fact that i am slammed with Team Run for HD tasks!  Running a charity team is seriously a lot of work!  I can't wait until i cross the finish line, and take a deep breath of relief!  Stay tuned, because i have 8 million bajillion charity events for the team between now and race day.

And seriously, if you are running for a charity, thank your coordinator!  It's no easy job!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012


1. Stiletto racing.  As if running wasn't hard enough.  
Really?  Because running without twisting your ankles normally was just too easy.  Why don't we save ourselves the spectacle, and i will just knock all you bitches over.


2.  I had every intent of teaching the dog to carry around a little flag for the duration of the olympics....
Only in the two seconds it took me to take this photo, she managed to Usain Bolt her way to the couch and demolish the flag.  I am slightly concerned that this means my dog (and by association, me) is a terrorist.  Or at the very least, a turncoat.
Plus, i'm going to go out on a limb and theorize that you shouldn't eat flags under any circumstances.....


3.  Speaking of devil dog, we took her to the dog beach again as part of my "don't neglect the dog" mission for august.  

She of course sprinted around the entire time encouraging every other dog to chase her.  Waffles is fast - greyhound fast.  They are built for speed, so obviously, none of the other dogs can catch her, but a select few can give her a run for her money.  

But of course, rather than a showdown with a dog of her build, she befriends an english bull dog.  This poor bull dog gave 110% trying to chase her, but not being a breed that is great for aerobic activity or heat tolerance, the poor guy just started puking every 200 meters from heat stroke, while still chasing her.  

We all (Matt and I, and the owners of the bulldog) started chasing the bulldog to stop him from running, but he was so determined to catch her.  And lord knows that my little asshole will not come when i call her unless i am waving a sausage.  We eventually caught the poor guy and cooled him off, but i felt so bad about it!


4.  I went on the most terrible run last night.  I don't know what my deal is, but i started off way too fast.  I think i have been watching way too much track and field.  Only instead of looking like an Olympian, i looked like a loser dry heaving next to the North Branch trail at mile 2 because it was 92 degrees out.  Then a group of bikers blew by and the the first one shouted "Runner on the left" and the second one shouted "Nevermind, she's not running"

Thanks, guys.  FML.


5.  Speaking of major problems, guess who hasn't done laundry in almost two weeks?
Clearly, it's this girl.  I think i might just keep buying new clothes, because i just don't want to do laundry anymore.  The pile seems to grow out of control, like algae or something.  I just don't want to concern myself with it anymore.


6.  CNN just interrupted me while i was watching the new extended trailer for Honey Boo Boo Child" (don't judge) To inform me with a breaking alert that July was the hottest month on record. 


Thank god for the breaking news.  I never would have believed it if it wasn't coming from CNN.  


7. That stupid Ikea lamp we risked our lives and relationship for?  Didn't even have a plug on it.  Apparently, you have to wire it yourself.  I can't repeat anything that Matt said upon discovering this, because i like to keep the blog PG-13, but you can always rewatch the Charlton Heston Planet of the Apes clip to get a feel for his emotions.

8.  When i went to see Moonrise Kingdom this weekend, the only other person laughing in the entire theater was a 60 year old man.  So apparently, I have a very mature sense of humor.  Like AARP mature.

Do young people seriously not find this entertaining??

9. I had a minor collision with a deer last week.  No, not with my car, with my body.  I tripped off the trail to avoid a lightening fast biker that gave me no warning of his approach, and stumbled into a deer that was also startled by the biker.  His butt touched my arm.  I don't know who was more scared.  No wait, it was definitely me.  Sorry there aren't any pictures, but seriously, i was attacked by a god damn deer.  Give me a break.


10. It has come to my attention that a significant amount of the Chicago Running Bloggers are not Bloody Mary fans.  This has prompted me to form BMAI.  (the Bloody Mary Appreciation Initiative.)  I am not totally sure how to structure this, but i do know it will involve me drinking lots of them to show my appreciation, and then describing it in great detail, just to show you all what you're missing.
Please contact me to join BMAI.  I have no idea what that entails, but it involves drinking bloody marys, so i really don't know what more you people expect from me...


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Winning streak.

My life has definitely been more of a trail run, in that i have continual highs and lows that balance out in the end, but it is never "flat &boring."  Thats why i usually stick out the bad luck sections, because i know that eventually a string of good luck will follow (although sadly, that will lead to another string of bad luck.) Having just come off of a bad luck streak (tree branch fell on car, dog got sick, weather has been not stop stupid) I can gladly say i have just entered a streak of good luck!

First, i got to go to an awesome olympics brunch at 5am to watch the women's marathon with all these awesome ladies!
Kate, Maggie, Amanda, Amanda, Susan
Me, Kelly, Nicole

Because Kelly is the hostess with the mostest, she even arranged a prediction game for the marathon - which i won!  I got a $5 gift card to Play it again sports!  SO awesome!  I also got to stuff my face with all kinds of amazing treats, which is always winning in my book.

Then after i had just been talking about how i am over budget for my 2012 races, I won a giveaway through Maggie's blog to run Fort 2 Base next month!!  So pumped!  I wanted to run this race so bad, but just couldn't justify spending any more money on races this year.  You have to check out this race - they have the best shirt i have ever seen!  And it perfectly fits into my training schedule.  It's the little joys in life.

THEN this morning, i got an email from Kelly, informing me i had won her raffle for Pro compression socks!  I can't tell you how much i love these babies, and i had to physically restrain myself to keep from ordering more through the latest schwaggle deal!  So glad i get them anyway - a sure sign that compression socks and i were meant to be together <3.  Seriously, donate to the charity raffles - even if you don't win, you are still winning because you are racking up good karma points.

And, on Sunday, i don't know how, but i guilted convinced Matt to take me to see Moonrise Kingdom this past weekend. It was awesome- i am a Wes Anderson junkie, and i am still in awe that he went to see it with me, because he hates all the Wes Anderson movies.

And lastly, has anyone looked at the weather this week?
Those are 7's.  And they are not being preceded by 9's!

To be honest, this is about as much as a girl could hope for.  I doubt my streak of good luck will go beyond this, but in my opinion, this is pretty damn good.  Lets hope another bad streak doesn't com knocking on my door any time soon!

Sending out my good luck vibes to all of you!

Monday, August 6, 2012

A journey through the 9 circles of hell.

All of which reside in IKEA.

This is the epic story of the time Matt and i decided to buy a hanging lamp for the living room.

Circle one-  The parking lot. This isn't so bad!  Matt bought me frozen yogurt in hopes that the sugar high would prevent me from having a panic attack.  As i chow down, i hardly even notice the minivan sitting in oncoming traffic trying to make a left turn onto a one way street going the opposite direction.  Hordes of people careen towards my car on winged monkeys that resemble carts, but thats ok, i have half a dozen different toppings to focus on.

Circle two - The revolving door.  My yogurt treat is gone, but the sugar high remains.  Until we get to the door.  How do so many people not know how to use a revolving door??  Why is your kid pushing it in the wrong direction??  WTF is going on in the front lobby?  Obviously, there must be a reason everyone has collected here around a fake kitchen.  Based on the overpowering cinnamon roll smell, i can only assume that some kind of pastry bomb has been detonated, forcing everyone to evacuate into this tiny area.

Circle three - Floor one.  NOPE!  That was only the tip of the iceberg.  There are even thicker crowds of people than were in the entryway.  They start crashing their carts into me, attacking from all sides.  I think, this is what the life of a pinball must be - and i am saddened.  I give Matt the look that says "I am already over this."  He promises me a lingonberry soda if we can just persevere to the third floor.  

Circle four - Lamp island.  I know a lot about architecture, but i still cannot fathom how lamp island is even possible.  We find ourselves in the lighting area, only somehow, there is no exit. I run to each side only to be met with a siderail and a 60 ft drop to the bottom level.  How is that even possible??  It's like MC esher meets Hogwarts meets everything that pisses me off in this world.  I start running to all sides in an increasing state of panic looking for an exit; alas there is none.  I am know condemned to live the remainder of my sad life on lamp island.....

Circle five - The food court.  Matt leaves me with a lampshade i have befriended named fruzenschlag.  Just as we began to accept our new life as comrades, Matt returns.  He has found a secret hall way that leads to the food court.  There is no official entrance to the gated off food court, but we are able to jump the metal gate, and i am face to face with my beloved savior, lingonberry soda.   Only their are no cups.  Apparently, you can only dine in here.  There is a second food court on the bottom level.  Part of me dies.

Circle six-  Furniture.  I don't know how we got here - we don't want to buy furniture.  There are screaming children everywhere, and the couches and beds are filled with the fallen.  To my right, a soon to be ex-couple next to me screams at each other over spending $500 on a futon, to my left, a child is repeatedly slamming a cabinet door on a storage end table while his mother stares into space, obviously contemplating ending it all with one of those tiny golf pencils that are everywhere.  I look to Matt with tears in my eyes and say, "we're going to die here."  He painfully nods, and we walk on.

Circle seven - Lamp Island.  AGAIN.  Dear God, NO!!  How did we end up here again?!?!?  It's like some kind of funhouse horror movie!!!  I peer over the edge and spot mattress two floors beneath me.  Matt immediately sees them too and acknowledges what i am planning.  "Don't jump." he says.  "At least i will die knowing i tried to get out of here!" i shout as i point to dusty skeletons littering the floor of lamp island.  (perhaps they were just more lamps; we were both hallucinating at this point.)  "You won't die if you jump, you'll just embarrass us." he replies.  Touche.

Circle eight - The area with all the kids crap.  We miraculously escape lamp island a second time, only to enter the one area more terrifying than lamp island and the food court combined - That area with all the kids crap.  By this point, i am crying and humming the theme to rocky;  Matt shields me with one arm, and uses the other to shove people aside.  It's like watching the bodyguard, only it's not awesome at all.  I clutch the lamp that i no longer even want to my chest.  Everything starts to go dark.

Circle nine (the innermost circle) - The checkout area.  As we enter the finishing chute, i spot the lingonberry soda machine, and it triggers an adrenaline fueled counter attack.  I charge for the express check out lane, using my stupid plastic lamp as a battering ram;  My hair is disheveled, my clothes torn. Everything is in slow motion as chariots of fire starts to play;  I jump over a six year old, i zig left past an overwhelmed grandmother, and zag right plast a herd of college dorm bound teenagers.  I use the little strength i have left in the final sprint, clutching the lamp i now hate more than life itself, as well as a 100 pack of tea lights, because they are SO dang cheap!  And some flower pots.  And a drying rack.  DAMN YOU IKEA!  I limp to the soda dispenser and get my drink, savoring the lingonberry goodness as a mixture of sweat and tears runs down my face.

As we walk outside into the approaching storm, i breath in my first breath of freedom.  I turn to Matt, and i gasp, "we made it"  And he looks back at me and says, "we forgot the lightbulbs...."

This clip of Charlton Heston at the end of planet of the apes basically sums it up if you need a visual.

Friday, August 3, 2012

I love the olympics and infograms!

You all know that i just can't help myself
(click on the infograms to view them larger.  Unless you have the eyes of a sharpshooter.  In which case, why aren't you at the olympics right now??)
I couldn't have said it better myself!

PS - can you imagine eating 16 bananas a day????