problems specifically related to being in the first world.

1.  Matt is on a diet.  I don't think that he needs to be, but i am sick of him whining and pinching his stomach while staring into the mirror saying "I'm soooo fattttttt" like a teenage girl.  It's the worst.

2.  In order to show my love and support, I had to order a scale.  And not just any scale – the mega ultimate supreme holy grail of scales.  We have previously never owned a scale because I feel like men rarely buy those things, and I personally don’t care to know how much I weigh.  As long as my pants fit (and I will not think twice before i slather my legs in Crisco and wedge myself into those babies) we’re good to go.  This one measures fat, muscle, bone, the whole nine yards.  Did you know that 4.8% of me is bone*?  The more you know.

*bad to the bone! lol

Look how happy she is!  Dieting is fun, Matt!

3. Knowing how much you weigh is actually horrifying and sad.  Who knew??  No wonder my car has been getting shitty gas mileage!  I might have to stick the new scale in the garage and forget about it. 

4. As part of this diet, Matt has been googling calorie amounts in things.  Can I please advise everyone right now that this is THE WORST IDEA EVER.  Somehow, he was convinced that a serving of chickpeas has 800 calories, which fyi – is totally crazy.  He accused the super healthy salad I made him of having more calories than a big mac extra value meal, and an epic battle ensued. 

5.  On the other end of the spectrum, little Waffles, has been on a weight gain diet since the day she was born.  She has always had a hard time keeping weight on, and is a finicky eater on top of that.  She really seems to like the laid-back suburban life though, as she has been eating voraciously since we moved, and has put on almost a pound! Sadly, her voraciousness is not just for food, and she is acting like a puppy again, and tasting anything she can fit her mouth around including (but not limited to): dryer lint, dryer sheets, cardboard, a cactus, clean socks, dirty socks, ants, moths, grass, and people’s newspapers.

Fiber for the win?

6. My back is already feeling better thanks to heat packs, advil, and martinis.  The only time it bothers me is when I try to bend down.  Could someone please zip up my shoes for me?

7. What is with this weather??  I actually had to use the heat in my car this morning!  I will obviously complain about any weather that is handed to me!  I also have this space heater at work that I am being forced to operate with my feet because of my lack of bendability.

8. I had to pull out of the North Country Run, and I am very sad about it.  They were unable to switch me to the half, and don’t feel confident in my abilities to run a full marathon right now.  My problems can’t always be funny.  Sorry I’m not sorry.

9. Part of me wanted to attempt the marathon anyway, because that’s what I do, but my worst nightmare would be trying to find the right combo/dose of anxiety meds and running a marathon at the same time.  Marathons are hard enough with additional chemical factors trying to make you vomit, cry, not sleep for days in advance, and/or lash out unreasonably at everything around you.  Nature deserves better than that, my friends.

10. Totally related to nothing, but Matt accidentally broke my Le Crueset pie dish. This is why I can’t have nice things. woe is me.  Seriously, woe.

On a side note, thanks for sticking around.  My brain is still trying to regroup, so i fully acknowledge that half of what i write is garbage, and the other half is misspelled.  It will get better.  Or it won't.  Why are you still here anyway????

Welcome to the danger zone.

So, a weird thing happened last night – I threw my back out!  I suppose in the grand scheme of things its not that strange, but here are some things that seemed off about the whole thing:

1.        I’m only 30!  And someone told me 30 is the new 20 (lies.  I told myself that.) But seriously, I’m not “throw your back out” old yet.
2.         I’m a model of physical fitness! (LOLOLOLOLOLZZZZ) Ok, but in all seriousness, I am a reasonably fit human being that exercises regularly, and maintains a reasonable weight.
3.        I generally avoid heavy lifting, or even light lifting.  Picking up objects and moving them is so 2012.
4.        I have never really had back problems before.

*** I think I can still run, so don't cry for me.  But sitting on my couch drinking Martinis makes the pain worse (unless I drink lots of Martinis!) so maybe have a cocktail for me?

I suppose it’s possible that I just randomly threw my back out.  BUT, here’s the kicker – the two guys I share a work space with (that are the same age as me) have also thrown out their backs in the past few months!  I suppose it could just be karma getting me back for making fun of them for being old and out of shape (Damn my sass-mouth!!!)

The torture chamber.

So, we had a pow-wow this morning at work, and determined we have crappy desk furniture, because three young healthy people should not hurt their backs in such a short amount of time.  (if ever.)  Luckily, my back pain seems minor (compared to what they went through) and I don’t foresee physical therapy or anything drastic in my future.  As a means of getting better equipment, we came up with the plan to demand radical and expensive change that would naturally be shot down, (for example lunch time personal massages and a zen meditation garden) in hopes that the compromise could be new chairs.

Obviously, given the choice, I would have never had a “desk job.”  I would be much more suited to be like a forest park ranger, or a circus acrobat (fun gingerfoxxx fact:  My ancestors were circus trapeze artists!  The more you know.)  Despite the fact that I like what I do, and I seem well suited for it, my biggest regret is that I spend so much time sitting.  And no matter how many lunch break adventures or walking breaks I take, I still sit hunched over a computer for 8 9 hours a day. 

Have you ever demanded upgraded tools for your job?  Do you have an interesting way to move/keep active during the work day?

Is your job also trying to kill you???

Not everything can be sunshine and olive gardens.

A very special Friday First World Problems – suburban edition.

1.        After some of my epic fights with Comcast, I never thought there could be a more terrible utility service.  Until I met Republic Services.   I totally lost my cool and left this message in their “file a complaint box”:

Republic Services has the worst customer service of any company i have encountered. 50% of the time when i call, i am transfered to an overflow service that promises someone will contact me, which they never do. I have used the contact me email form four times, and never once been contacted. Based on how impossible it is to ever speak with anyone that works at Republic Services, I am deeply concerned that no one actually works there, and you are simply a bunch of robots. I don't even know why i am filling this out, because no one will ever read it. 00111100101000101000100. (Binary code. Because you are robots.) 

I am pretty sure they will never ever pick up my garbage again, and it’s getting stinky.  Why can’t I control my sass???



But i shall win the war.



2.        Why are there SO MANY AUTOZONES??  It’s orange and black striped façade is an assault on my senses.  They are worse than starbucks out here!

3.       Because of autozone epidemic, I convinced Matt to wash my car, which only brought an onslaught of judgement as to why there were so many twizzlers under the driver’s seat.  OBVIOUSLY, I did not know they were there, because I would have eaten them. 

(also, 4 twizzlers is NOT that many, and is totally within the limit of reasonable candy deposits that can appear in hard to reach places.)

4.       Matt also threw away all my McDonalds monopoly pieces that were strategically placed in my cupholder.  It’s not like I was going to win or anything, but one of them was good for a free french fry!  People are starving, and he is literally throwing away meal tickets.  For shame. #FirstWorldTRAGEDY.

Try again!

5.       The twilight bark is totally a thing, and waffles sets it off every. Freaking. Day.  Despite the fact that basenji’s are a barkless breed, she prances around jingling and giving the silent stink-eye, which causes the neighbor dog to bark at her.  Then the dogs next to them start barking.  And so on and so forth until the entire block is barking for no reason.

It's 6am - initiate the bark!

6.       Portillos “veggie hot dog” is just a bun with a f***ing pickle and some tomato on it.  I was duped!

RAGE!

7.       When Waffles sleeps, she dreams that she is cha cha cat.  Dream on Waffles, life isn’t that easy.







If i only try harder!  I could be an internet meme!



  

   8.       WHYYYYYY????????  You fail, home depot….

Firstttttt Worlddddddd Problemsssss!!

Epic, no?

1.  First and foremost, i had the LIFE CHANGING idea today about what Matt and I should dress up as for the Flying Pig (half) marathon.  We have never run a half together, and wanted to make it super fun, and what better way than to dress up as - wait for it - THE WARRIORS!

And, i'm not going to lie - i have too much on my plate as it is right now, and i just happen to have a warriors costume already made.  

Matt thinks this is stupid, but totally reads my blog, so TELL HIM I HAVE BRILLIANT IDEAS!

First World Problems!

2. So i keep whining about my imminent death in a couple weeks as i attempt a marathon with basically no training.  But i have decided to embrace it.  (lies.  i forgot to order new shoes.)  I think i am just going to order the new shoes, and pull a noob and run a marathon with brand new shoes.  Maybe while I'm at it, i will try a new breakfast and eat something exotic for dinner the night before.  WHY NOT?

First World Problems!

3. So i mentioned before that Waffles is doing agility class, and Waffles has been sick.  She missed class last week, and i really didn't want her to miss another one.  Her poop problems seemed to be on the mend, so we went to the class anyway.  Big mistake.  She pooped right in the middle of the course with everyone watching. Between being sick, sleep deprived, and really stressed out, i had a totally normal and predictable reaction - i burst into tears, grabbed the poop and ran out of the class.  I am so embarrassed i don't think i can go back.  WTF is wrong with me??

First World Problems!

4. I almost wrecked my car today day-dreaming about this 30 foot sandwich.

First World Problems!

5.  I know i am a selfish person, but Matt's working late, and the dog is all lethargic from her meds, so i get to come home, and have everyone leave me the f*** alone, and now i can watch Murial's Wedding in peace.  This is quite possible the happiest day of my life.

First World Problems!

6.  The only problem with my indulgence is that during one of Waffles' poop-splosions, she took out the back right speaker of the sound system.  How does one jam to ABBA without surround sound???

First World Problems!

7. Guess how many containers of easy mac are on my desk right now.

Seventeen.  Seventeen containers of orange cheesy perfection.  And i am not allowed to eat them.

First World Problems!

8.  Not that it matters anyway.  When i get sick, my taste buds are the first to go.  I have not had an appetite for days.  Seeing as how food is like the only thing that brings me joy, i am pretty joyless this week....  wompppp, wompppp

First World Problems!

9.  When i was in Senator Durbin's office, i totally stole the Rockford tourism pamplet.  Obviously, i have a problem stealing from senators' offices, but i was totally IN THE TOURISM PAMPLET!!

That pink blob is ME!  and i will be laying on the side of the road exactly four hours after this photo was taken.  #TourismFail

First World Problems!

10.  THREE POSTS THIS WEEK, BITCHES!

 

what the WHAT?!?!

First off, the biggest first world problem in the HISTORY of first world problems has occurred.


1. LADY GAGA CANCELLED ON ME TONIGHT!!!!
BLERGHHHHH!!!!!!!!
My Bff and i see her every year.  I am devastated.  DEVASTATED!

Gaga 2011

Gaga 2012














Gaga 2013   :(  :(   :(   :(

First World Problem :(

2. A bunch of other serious stuff happened, but i was too focused on Gaga's sore joints to edu-macate myself.

Sadly, this is all i can attest to the current state of affairs.  Gaga depression is hurting my brain.  I don't know what the f*** is going on anymore.

First World Problems.

3.  I spent all week perfecting my lady gaga outfit, and now that effort is wasted.  Do you know how hard it is to walk into a Forever 21, and approach the 16 year old folding stuff and ask her to help me choose something gaga-appropriate, because she knows more than me??  It's damn hard, let me tell you.  Also, when did 16 year olds get so tiny?  (or when did i turn into a giant???)

First World Problems.

4.  When and where will i EVER wear this now????

Opportunities to wear things that are wildly age inappropriate and covered in glitter are few and far between.  My heart breaks for this mini-skirt.  It really does....

First World Problems.

5.  So i tried to go to the Dick Pond fun run last night, because i have no one to run with in the evenings, and i am afraid of the dark.  It didn't look that far or hard to get to on the map either.  Fast Forward to an hour later when i am driving around in random circles because park ridge is totally one of the inner circles of hell, navigationally speaking.  Everytime i think i can handle the suburbs, some place like park ridge goes rogue from the grid system and proves me wrong.

Needless to say, at one point, i almost hit ohare.  I eventually gave up and went home in defeat.

None of this is Dick Pond or Park Ridges fault.  I am just an idiot.

First World Problems.

6. During my plight to escape park ridge, i stopped at an Ulta to regain my composure.  I don't know if thats a problem or a solution.  Either way, i spent too much money, but also have an awesome new sparkly eye shadow.  I'll let you be the judge....

First World Problems.

7.  WHY ARE THERE NEVER ENOUGH BRUSSELS SPROUTS?????

First World Problems

8.  Did you hear that to meet demands, Makers Mark has had to dilute their whisky with water, so now it's 84 proof rather than 90 proof.  Honestly, i doubt the taste or ability to get me drunk will be affected, but just to feed into the stereotype of the drunk angry whisky drinker, and i am going to smash things in protest, and then join in the twitter rampage.  (because i am too lazy to leave my comfy chair in the name of my convictions.)

First World Problems

9.  I went to a boxing class with a co-worker monday night.  It was super hard, and my noodle arms still hurt.  Ironically enough, the class was taught by a super petite woman who could destroy me with one arm if need be.  Also she was 8 months pregnant.  It's questionable if i could punch my way out of a paper bag if it came down to it  (although when will i ever need to??)

First World Problems.

10.  I'm too lazy and apathetic to think up a 10.  Also, running is hard.

First World Problems.

Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I think first world problems could also be whiny wednesdays, because thats basically what it is.

1.  WHY IS IT SO COLD???  Seriously, -15 degrees is lame.  And thats all there is to say about it.  I don't want to run, i don't want to get in my car, i don't want to walk that dog.  I just want to sit next to a space heater and pout.  The end.

First World Problems.

2.  In attempt to warm up last night after walking the dog in the aforementioned sub zero temps, i made this stunningly instagrammed hot cocoa.

Until i realized on the first sip that i don't even like hot cocoa.  It tastes like chalk.  I really just wanted the Reddi-wip.  Granted, i chugged the stupid thing anyway because i'm a god damn trooper, but i didn't enjoy it.

First World Problems.

3.   I miss daylight.  I really, really miss it.  And the weather channel keeps rubbing it in my face that i leave work everyday and it's pitch black.

You call that darkness outside sunny?  IN WHAT WORLD, WEATHER CHANNEL?  MORDOR???

First World Problems.

4.

I think the picture speaks for itself.

Actually, i am totally kidding.  Waffles is in no way responsible for this.  My runners snaggle toe managed to slice a hole in the sheets, and then they completely started to unravel in the wash.  Bad, snaggle-toe, BAD!

First World Problems.

5.  Speaking of the place which i slumber, i had that stupid teeth falling out dream again!! Only this time, i couldn't wake myself up because my noodle arms are so sore (STILL!) from that ONE time i did P90x that was unable to even poke myself to wake up.

First world problems.

6. Another dream i keep having which isn't a nightmare involves a fictional candy store where i go to buy sparkle gummy bears.  I'm not even making this up, i have a candy store that my brain made up that i visit in my sleep.  Almost every night.  I have problems that can't even be defined.

First World Problems.

7.

WHY IS THERE NEVER ENOUGH POPCORN!!!

First World Problems

8.  I spent my entire day at work yesterday coloring bamboo skewers with a marker.  

I'm super important, and kind of a big deal.

First World Problems.

9. According to NPR all week, about 360 of the health departments chimps are set to retire.  The only problem is, there is no way to accommodate them with out 30 million dollar chimp habitat fund.  That money would be gone by July.

a.  We have a 30 million chimp budget?

b.  When do i get to retire and go to a 30 million dollar habitat?

c.  NO SERIOUSLY, We have a 30 million dollar chimp budget??

First World Problems.

10.  The world is aflutter because groupon has decided to review and most likely cease all of its gun related deals.  Texas in particular is up in arms over this (pun intended) (god, i am so funny) Aside from the irony that yet another school shooting took place yesterday, IN Texas, people are lining up to buy semi-automatics and plastering the interwebs with "Guns don't kill people, People kill people" shenaniganery.  Yeah, i suppose that Guns don't kill people, but seriously, people kill people WITH GUNS.  Lets stop making them that much more accessible with groupons for "gun range & brewery tour experience!"  And yes, that one was real, because i almost bought it.  

And, just to clarify, i am not "anti-gun".  I come from a proud hunting family.  My Aunt Holly can take down a 6-point buck with just a bow and arrow, Katsniss style.  That takes way more skill than mowing down a herd of deer with semi-automatic.   So everybody calm down, and just buy one of the other 8 million groupons.  Perhaps a nice massage or a facial.

First World Problems.

11.  Sorry about the last one becoming a rant.  My brain filter is broken.  I blame the P90x.

First World Problems!

First Wednesdays Problems.

Awwww, its the first FWP of the new year.

BLERGHHH!

1. My first attempt at speed work was last night.  The schedule called for four 800m repeats.  Easy enough, right?  WRONG.  Do you know how difficult it is to run even moderately fast for four minutes?  It's really hard.  My splits were embarrassing, and the whole ordeal just made me sad and nauseous.  BOOOOOO, speed-training!

This smirk is actually meant to convey rage.  It's difficult to communicate through facial expressions.

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.

2.  Last nights failure to generate speed was supposed to followed by 6 miles this morning.  It's Matts day to deal with the dog in the AM, so i was gonna get up early, and go knock those 6 miles out!  
What actually happened?  I punched the alarm clock and slept until 8.  The time i am supposed to leave for work.  AWESOME.

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.

3.  My new years eve outfit was marred by my mutant toe...

Although i was highly impressed by instagram's ability to disguise ole blackey.  #runstyle

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS

4.  I don't have to worry about my toe in fancy shoes any more though, because waffles ATE THOSE SHOES...

So apparently this is what i get for owning expensive shoes.  R.I.P., Jeffery Campbell sparkle heels...

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.

5.  I threw a coworker a surprise baby shower this week, and i made cake-pops for all my coworkers.  Being OCD, i wanted to bring exactly 24 cake-pops.  Knowing that Matt cannot contain himself around cake-pops, i made a few extra to be sacrificed to him to save the others.  But then i fell asleep.
And woke up to this:

I CAN NOT COMMUNICATE HOW ANGRY THIS MAKES ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!!

6.  I know oatmeal is the staple of healthy living, but i can't get on board.  Whenever i eat it, i feel like the guy in alien.  I am fairly certain that one of these days, the oatmeal will rip through my stomach and start running around my office.  Oatmeal does not seem to agree with me.  It's heavy and dense, much like that cursed pizza dough.  I hate it when my surplus of healthy food just makes me feel too full. le sigh.

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.

7.  They are remaking Evil Dead.  I do not approve.  Why do we have to constantly mess with perfection??  Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi not only approve of this, but they are also producing it.  But this means nothing as I DO NOT APPROVE.  When did my opinion become so meaningless in hollywood?  What is going to happen when they make a B class horror movie with an A class budget??

I'm totally going to go see it anyway.  sigh....
(they have the preview trailer on youtube - i didn't post it because it's fairly gruesome, and might offend some people - but check it out if you dare!)

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.

8.  I was running errands the other day with a friend, and she changed my radio station from NPR to one of the pop music stations in hopes that Ke$ha would come on.  (it did.  twice.) I guess i forgot to ever change it back, because i started jamming to pop music this morning.  This song came on, and i was totally loving it so i shazamed it.  It was Justin Beiber.

WTF IS GOING ON?????????  I feel so wrong.  And i just want to dance.....all i need is a beauty and a beat...OMG SERIOUSLY WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.

9.  Marathon training.  If anyone so much as grazes my shins or knees, i wince in pain.  Why does it hurt so bad?  WHY?!?!??!

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.

10.  So i have a personal new years resolution that i didn't post on here as to not offend anyone, but involves me trying to avoid purchasing anything manufactured in China.  Every time i buy something made in China, i am only hurting US design jobs (like mine) and US manufacturing jobs (like my brothers, who is currently laid off again).  So, while i am fairly certain it's impossible, i am going to try to buy US made items as much as humanly possible.  Sadly, i am in need of a pair of running pants.  I own one pair, and that is sort of ridiculous.  I have been searching everywhere, but every freaking pair of running pants in made in China!!! WTF? Needless to say, there might soon be a pantless runner cruising the lakefront path.  (spoiler: it will be me.)  FOR AMERICA!!!!!

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS

2013 - a year of much-anticipated problems!

FWP- F*** you, christmas!

Tragically, this is really what my off-season body looks like...

Thats right.  I am going to bitch about Christmas.  Don't even pretend you didn't see this one coming. 


1.  The tree's already dead.  I am fairly certain i killed it with my love, just like every other plant in the house.  It also doesn't help that Waffles will not stay away from it, and has managed to strip all the bottom branches bare in attempt to eat all the pine needles.

So yeah.  It's December 12th, and we have a dead tree, and a carpet of pine needles.

BA HUMBUG!

2. If you think sticking reindeer antlers on your car enables you to cut me off without repercussions, in the name of Christmas spirit - YOU ARE WRONG.  I am actually infinitely more likely to run you off the road, now that i know you can fly, you jerk.

BA HUMBUG!

3.  Because my love of pinterest and home decor outweighs my hatred of christmas, i set up this candle display on the window sill, adorned ( YES ADORNED) with cranberries and key limes.

Only every morning, i look and there are less cranberries.  So either elves are pilfering my decorations, we have mice, or Matt is eating my hard work for a second christmas in a row.  I DIDN'T EVEN WASH THEM, MATT.  I hope you get some kind of weird cranberry disease.  And seriously, if it's mice, I am going freak out.  Real bad.

BA HUMBUG!

4.  You know what really sucks?  Not having a fireplace.  Matt and i have been sitting in front of the netflix fire video every night.  Screw you central heating and cooling!  Your efficient temperature moderation is cruel and unauthentic, and ruining my christmas!

BA HUMBUG!

5.  I was going to pick up an ugly christmas sweater for a party this weekend, when i soon realized after visiting FOUR salvation armys, that ugly christmas sweaters are exclusively for the first world elite.  Case in point:
http://www.ultimateuglychristmas.com/
This little scrooge spends his free time buying all the cheapo ugly christmas sweaters, and then selling them online for $50+

Are. You. Freaking. KIDDING ME???? I might be a grinch, but you my friend, are the scroogiest scrooge that ever scrooged!  Seriously, who does this shit. All i wanted was an ugly Christmas sweater, and instead i got WAR.  IT'S ON, BUDDY.

BA HUMBUG!

6.  While i don't expect my poorly drawn photoshop stockings to filled on Christmas morning, i am fairly certain that if they were, they would be filled with Coal.  I wish!  I'm sorry, but the value of coal has been skyrocketing.  I think it's at $150.00 per short ton.  I have no idea what a short ton breaks down to, but whatever the value of a stockings worth, it has to be more than valuable than the usual Bonne Bell lipsmacker gift pack.

BA HUMBUG!

7.  In what world is it socially acceptable to plug in a strand of lights and then pile them onto a random bush in your yard.  You aren't even trying.  (Unless you're Helen Keller.  In which case it looks great, sweetheart.)

Either put some effort into it, or just don't do it at all.  Don't make me look at your laziness.

BA HUMBUG!

8.  Can we just talk about how wrong that "Do they know it's christmas?" song is?  Seriously - how is it even ok to play this on the radio??  Of course there's not snow in sub-Saharan Africa.  Seriously, why are we on their case about it?  Do you have any idea how close to the equator they are?  Do we have the same sympathies for Costa Rica?  Barbados? Ireland?? (Hey - they rarely have snow - true story.)  AND, you know what?  They DO know it's Christmas.  You know why?  Post-colonialism.

For shame, Bob Geldof.  FOR SHAME!!

*(sorry.  every time i bring up post-colonialism, an angel gets it wings.)
**(I'm lying.  I'm just a jerk like that.)

BA HUMBUG!

9.  And lastly, everything about eggnog pisses me off.  Just the sight of it makes me want punch babies.  There is a fine line between eating raw eggs ( cookie dough <3) and drinking it.  And i am on the right side of that line.  ARE YOU WITH ME????

BA HUMBUG!!