Tuesday, August 27, 2013

The bear and the maiden's fair

Yeah, i am totally providing you with a soundtrack to this post.  You're Welcome.

So, i mentioned a while back that i had to pull out of the North Country Marathon.  My training has been ok, but definitely not marathon worthy, and probably not so great for what would have been the hardest marathon i ever attempted.  So i cried a lot and laid around depressed at my failures.  But then Nina tweeted me.  She had a bib for the half that she would not be able to use.

Now, as an unwaivering rule-follower, this was the first time i ever ran under someone elses bib.  I felt dirty and reckless and i loved it.  I apologize, North Country, that i broke your rules to do this, but it is just that amazing of a race, that it can make a girl a little crazy.  So i ducked out of work early, and went to Michigan.

Because Maggie was also doing the half, we were able to drive up together, effectively making it a #gingerroadtrip.  Our main concerns going into this were mostly lack of trail running experience and fear of bears.  Thats right.  There was a bear attack near the race last week (If you read the news, it was that girl who was running at night near Cadillac)  But the race assured us of their bear policy, and we didn't encounter a bear the entire weekend.
We both had a very laid back approach to the race, so the lack of stress led to a great time, and a lot of laughs.  We illegally parked, and had plenty of time before the race started.  The start of the race was a little chaotic, as a couple hundred people tried to share space and time on a single track trail.  After a couple miles, people were somewhat organized according to pace, and by the first aid station, it was smooth sailing.
The first glorious aid station.  
Those aid stations by the way?  More like party stations.  They had EVERYTHING.  Blueberries, watermelon, trail mix, PB&J's.  And the nicest people.  Seriously Michigan, you blow my mind.
Photographing rando's as they ran down the hill
Being the most beautiful race either of us had ever run, we both decided to aim for a personal worst and took many photography breaks.  Sadly, the pictures do the course NO justice.  There just aren't words.
By far my favorite photo from the day.  Not just because we were a mere half a mile from the finish, or because its the most god damn beautiful view i have ever seen, but because as we were trying to figure out how to take selfies DURING the race, another runner stopped, and offered to take our picture for us.  Seriously!  That is SO Michigan!
We ran into super speedy Erica at the finish!!  Ginger sandwich!
As we approached the finish, i felt fantastic.  Something about the whole set up of the race made me wish i would have just attempted the full (guaranteed i would have been kicking trees and threatening squirrels by mile 20.)  There were also a bunch of signs leading up to a proposal at the finish line.  So sweet.

So honestly, what can i say about this race.

It's hilly and hard.  But it's the kind of hard that makes you feel alive.  For the past few months i have been this scared, angry shell of a person, and for the first time in a while, as i ran this race, i felt calm.  I felt so peaceful, and satisfied, and alive.  And aside from about five minutes we thought we were lost and i panicked, i didn't feel scared or anxious.  It was amazing.  I am fairly certain that Michigan is the cure for everything.  This was my first trail race, and i really want to run more.  It has everything i love about races.  It's quiet, there aren't many people or spectators, and lots of shade.  How did i not figure this out sooner??

Honestly, North County Run is an amazing experience, and you should try to squeeze it in at least once in your life.  You won't regret it.  And if you do, you can console yourself with your giant, plate sized medal that is large enough to eat a meal off of.  
#GingersinTheWoods  #WeWon

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Rave (suburban) Runs - Mallard Lake

Today’s rave run is Mallard Lake.  (well, technically not today, because I only ran in my neighborhood this morning on account of the rain and my inability to get out of bed.)  But Mallard Lake is one of my favorite new suburban running spots.  Waffles is pretty fond of it too!
My thumb is frequently spotted at Mallard Lake
It’s right near Army Trail and Gary Ave in Bloomingdale.  My shitty i-phone pictures don’t actually do it justice.  There is a main loop that goes around the lake, that is maybe a little over a mile.  But, rather than a standard edition lake loop, it actually cuts through the lake with a series of islands and bridges.  I suppose it has something to do with creating awesome fishing spots, but I like to think it was just to make me happy.  Something about the little islands makes me feel like I am transported somewhere way more awesome than Dupage county (no offense, Dupage..) The loop isn’t very large, and running laps is awful for some people, so you can always make a loop and then hit one of the offshoots.  If you’re really ambitious (or just need to squeeze in a 10 miler) you can cut through a neighborhood and end up on another trail that is super remote (some kind of hawk preservation area, as if the hawks need  help.)  I also found a hidden single track trail off to the side of the lake.  I totally chickened out though, even with waffles as back up.  The last thing I need is to get lost in a preserve at sunset (and, for all I know, that phantom Meacham wildcat is still out there.)

I know people say to take the road less traveled, but sometimes those people end up dead.  Or at very least, they get ticks.
There is also a giant hill to the side of the lake.  Sadly it is fenced off, and it turns out it used to be a garbage dump.  The runner in me wants to find a way to run up that hill (it’s really like a garbage mountain though – seriously guys.) but the anxiety-filled OCD germaphobe is concerned about what diseases might lie on top of mount garbage.  Although I went home, and was snooping on map my run, and someone has totally found a way over the fence into mount garbage.  How are you doing it, bonerko???

So, Mallard Lake:

Water fountain
Permanent bathroom structure (still just an outhouse though…)
Super awesome scenery
Plentiful garbage cans (when running with canine companion)
Lots of variety
Not a lot of shade when it’s sunny (the one time I dragged Matt there it was hot and sunny, and he vowed never to go back)
Some sidetrails lead to nowhere and is slightly annoying
Cannot run up garbage mountain!!! (yet….)
Lots of ducks and cranes (only a problem if you run with an easily distracted poorly trained hunting dog.  Waffles….)

How brave are you when it comes to hidden single track trails – should I have just gone for it??  Do you snoop on Map my run and steal borrow people’s routes (or am I a creepster?)

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

********Giveaway Winner!!!*******

The winner of the Gingerfoxxx designed water bottles giveaway is:

I also shared you on Facebook.

Congratulations, Jill!!

Please send me an email at Sara.marie.rockwell@gmail.com with your address, and i will ship them to you as soon as possible!

I promise not to autograph them!  :)

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Weekend Warrioring

First off, have you entered my giveaway?  Because you should – it ends tonight!

Secondly,  I just wanted to recap my adventurous weekend!  I forced myself to leave the safety of my troll bridge not once, but twice this weekend.  I met up with Bobbi to explore a new trail in Deer Grove.  I was impressed by how big it was, and pleased with the variety of terrain.  There were single track forest trails, as well as a giant paved bike path.  The transition was slightly awkward though, because you leave the cave-like safety of the trees very suddenly, and are spit onto a very open prairie like bike path.  It’s about as close to being on the Serengeti as I’m ever going to get (I think??)  We didn’t start out with a specific mileage in mind, but we ended up lost repeatedly, and made our way back to our cars almost 11 miles later.  I really think Bobbi and I should go on a road trip sometime, just to see what happens. 
So, Deer Grove is awesome, but bring a compass, or a trail of bread crumbs or something, because all the trail markers are labeled black.  That or I have gone color blind.
This map is useless.  They all say black.  Seriously.

Secondly, I bribed some of my friends to come all the way out to the suburbs for the All Night Flea Market!  I didn’t mention it on here, because I had never been, and I would hate to tell people to go do something and then it turns out to be horrible.  People would be like – don’t listen to Gingerfoxxx, she has the WORST ideas.  (wait a minute – people already say that!)

Luckily, it turned out to be awesome.  I mean, being drunk and haggling over fiestaware at two am while Hacksaw Jim Duggan signs autographs in the background, awesome.  I didn’t end up buying anything this time, but there is another one in October.  Plus, it’s a great excuse to get some use out of those headlamps that are stored away with our winter running gear!  (seriously, everyone was super prepared and wearing head lamps!
Matt met Chewbacca - look at the wonder in his eyes!

That was a lot of interaction for me for one day, so I spent most of Sunday binge-watching “Orange is the New Black” and it was divine.  Laura Prepon is a revelation.  And Kate Mulgrew ain’t bad either!
No seriously, it is.
I'm just really glad to have interacted with other human beings this weekend.  And to run with someone that isn't Matt or Waffles!  (no offense guys)  

Have you seen Orange is the New Black?

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Career girl - and a giveaway!!

If you have actually followed my blog for a while (first off, i am so sorry!) but secondly - you might have picked up on the fact that i am a "career gal"  I spent way too many years in school, and have spent most of my twenties advancing my career, rather than getting married, having kids, and creating a home like most normal people.  For the most part, this has left me feeling all mopey now that i am 30, because i sit here some nights and wonder what the hell i have accomplished.

Well:  Boom.
This is what i have accomplished, bitches!

For those of you who don't know what the f*** i am talking about:

I am an industrial designer.  It's a hybrid of being an engineer, and an artist/innovator.  After teaching for a while, and receiving my master's degree in industrial design, i spent about three years at a consultancy.  This allowed me to work with a ton of different clients - i put in crazy hours, and got paid crap, but i made a ton of contacts and got some awesome products made, including the Turtle Wax Ice line (i designed all the bottles!) Some beverages in Asia, a variety of domestic food packaging, and: an entire line of sports hydration bottles!!

I have since moved forward with my career to a job that is much more stable/less stressful.  Now i am strictly in food packaging which focuses on high volume production/manufacturing.  It's a super boring way of saying that i spend all my time making sure that the food you buy everyday is safe (seriously, i fight many battles to make sure companies aren't using dangerous plastics on your food.) and that any packaging made is as environmentally friendly as possible (i could write a novel on this - if you ever want to have a seriously intense convo on sustainability - i'm your girl!)

What i am trying to say is that i have worked really, really hard for the past decade.  I am in a male dominated engineering field, and today, i am bragging about my awesome accomplishments.  I might suck at everything - but i kick ass at design.
And - to celebrate this, i am having a giveaway!  Not just any giveaway - a Gingerfoxxx designed giveaway!
During my adventures in industrial design, i got to work with a company that creates bottles/hydration packs for runners. Now, i can't take full credit - I had nothing to do with the fabric straps on the belts/handhelds - we focused on the closures and bottles.  And, i would have been lost without my partner in crime, Jim S.  But, i am super excited none the less - it's a pretty amazing feeling when you walk down an aisle of store, and can say, "Hey - I designed that!"

So, to celebrate, i am giving away the 32oz Bigshot Bottle and the 10oz quickshot plus handheld to one lucky commenter!  (I didn't name the products....)  All you have to do is comment on something you have done lately that is totally brag-worthy!  For an extra entry - share this giveaway either through your blog, twitter, facebook, i really don't f***ing care - just leave a comment telling me about it.  

I like hosting my own giveaways.  It's fun!  You have until Tuesday at midnight - go crazy!

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

problems specifically related to being in the first world.

1.  Matt is on a diet.  I don't think that he needs to be, but i am sick of him whining and pinching his stomach while staring into the mirror saying "I'm soooo fattttttt" like a teenage girl.  It's the worst.

2.  In order to show my love and support, I had to order a scale.  And not just any scale – the mega ultimate supreme holy grail of scales.  We have previously never owned a scale because I feel like men rarely buy those things, and I personally don’t care to know how much I weigh.  As long as my pants fit (and I will not think twice before i slather my legs in Crisco and wedge myself into those babies) we’re good to go.  This one measures fat, muscle, bone, the whole nine yards.  Did you know that 4.8% of me is bone*?  The more you know.
*bad to the bone! lol
Look how happy she is!  Dieting is fun, Matt!
3. Knowing how much you weigh is actually horrifying and sad.  Who knew??  No wonder my car has been getting shitty gas mileage!  I might have to stick the new scale in the garage and forget about it. 

4. As part of this diet, Matt has been googling calorie amounts in things.  Can I please advise everyone right now that this is THE WORST IDEA EVER.  Somehow, he was convinced that a serving of chickpeas has 800 calories, which fyi – is totally crazy.  He accused the super healthy salad I made him of having more calories than a big mac extra value meal, and an epic battle ensued. 

5.  On the other end of the spectrum, little Waffles, has been on a weight gain diet since the day she was born.  She has always had a hard time keeping weight on, and is a finicky eater on top of that.  She really seems to like the laid-back suburban life though, as she has been eating voraciously since we moved, and has put on almost a pound! Sadly, her voraciousness is not just for food, and she is acting like a puppy again, and tasting anything she can fit her mouth around including (but not limited to): dryer lint, dryer sheets, cardboard, a cactus, clean socks, dirty socks, ants, moths, grass, and people’s newspapers.
Fiber for the win?
6. My back is already feeling better thanks to heat packs, advil, and martinis.  The only time it bothers me is when I try to bend down.  Could someone please zip up my shoes for me?

7. What is with this weather??  I actually had to use the heat in my car this morning!  I will obviously complain about any weather that is handed to me!  I also have this space heater at work that I am being forced to operate with my feet because of my lack of bendability.

8. I had to pull out of the North Country Run, and I am very sad about it.  They were unable to switch me to the half, and don’t feel confident in my abilities to run a full marathon right now.  My problems can’t always be funny.  Sorry I’m not sorry.

9. Part of me wanted to attempt the marathon anyway, because that’s what I do, but my worst nightmare would be trying to find the right combo/dose of anxiety meds and running a marathon at the same time.  Marathons are hard enough with additional chemical factors trying to make you vomit, cry, not sleep for days in advance, and/or lash out unreasonably at everything around you.  Nature deserves better than that, my friends.

10. Totally related to nothing, but Matt accidentally broke my Le Crueset pie dish. This is why I can’t have nice things. woe is me.  Seriously, woe.

On a side note, thanks for sticking around.  My brain is still trying to regroup, so i fully acknowledge that half of what i write is garbage, and the other half is misspelled.  It will get better.  Or it won't.  Why are you still here anyway????

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Welcome to the danger zone.

So, a weird thing happened last night – I threw my back out!  I suppose in the grand scheme of things its not that strange, but here are some things that seemed off about the whole thing:

  1.        I’m only 30!  And someone told me 30 is the new 20 (lies.  I told myself that.) But seriously, I’m not “throw your back out” old yet.
  2.         I’m a model of physical fitness! (LOLOLOLOLOLZZZZ) Ok, but in all seriousness, I am a reasonably fit human being that exercises regularly, and maintains a reasonable weight.
  3.        I generally avoid heavy lifting, or even light lifting.  Picking up objects and moving them is so 2012.
  4.        I have never really had back problems before.
*** I think I can still run, so don't cry for me.  But sitting on my couch drinking Martinis makes the pain worse (unless I drink lots of Martinis!) so maybe have a cocktail for me?

I suppose it’s possible that I just randomly threw my back out.  BUT, here’s the kicker – the two guys I share a work space with (that are the same age as me) have also thrown out their backs in the past few months!  I suppose it could just be karma getting me back for making fun of them for being old and out of shape (Damn my sass-mouth!!!)
The torture chamber.
So, we had a pow-wow this morning at work, and determined we have crappy desk furniture, because three young healthy people should not hurt their backs in such a short amount of time.  (if ever.)  Luckily, my back pain seems minor (compared to what they went through) and I don’t foresee physical therapy or anything drastic in my future.  As a means of getting better equipment, we came up with the plan to demand radical and expensive change that would naturally be shot down, (for example lunch time personal massages and a zen meditation garden) in hopes that the compromise could be new chairs.

Obviously, given the choice, I would have never had a “desk job.”  I would be much more suited to be like a forest park ranger, or a circus acrobat (fun gingerfoxxx fact:  My ancestors were circus trapeze artists!  The more you know.)  Despite the fact that I like what I do, and I seem well suited for it, my biggest regret is that I spend so much time sitting.  And no matter how many lunch break adventures or walking breaks I take, I still sit hunched over a computer for 8 9 hours a day. 

Have you ever demanded upgraded tools for your job?  Do you have an interesting way to move/keep active during the work day?

Is your job also trying to kill you???

Friday, August 9, 2013

Not everything can be sunshine and olive gardens.

A very special Friday First World Problems – suburban edition.

1.        After some of my epic fights with Comcast, I never thought there could be a more terrible utility service.  Until I met Republic Services.   I totally lost my cool and left this message in their “file a complaint box”:
Republic Services has the worst customer service of any company i have encountered. 50% of the time when i call, i am transfered to an overflow service that promises someone will contact me, which they never do. I have used the contact me email form four times, and never once been contacted. Based on how impossible it is to ever speak with anyone that works at Republic Services, I am deeply concerned that no one actually works there, and you are simply a bunch of robots. I don't even know why i am filling this out, because no one will ever read it. 00111100101000101000100. (Binary code. Because you are robots.) 
I am pretty sure they will never ever pick up my garbage again, and it’s getting stinky.  Why can’t I control my sass???

But i shall win the war.

2.        Why are there SO MANY AUTOZONES??  It’s orange and black striped façade is an assault on my senses.  They are worse than starbucks out here!
3.       Because of autozone epidemic, I convinced Matt to wash my car, which only brought an onslaught of judgement as to why there were so many twizzlers under the driver’s seat.  OBVIOUSLY, I did not know they were there, because I would have eaten them. 
(also, 4 twizzlers is NOT that many, and is totally within the limit of reasonable candy deposits that can appear in hard to reach places.)
4.       Matt also threw away all my McDonalds monopoly pieces that were strategically placed in my cupholder.  It’s not like I was going to win or anything, but one of them was good for a free french fry!  People are starving, and he is literally throwing away meal tickets.  For shame. #FirstWorldTRAGEDY.

Try again!

5.       The twilight bark is totally a thing, and waffles sets it off every. Freaking. Day.  Despite the fact that basenji’s are a barkless breed, she prances around jingling and giving the silent stink-eye, which causes the neighbor dog to bark at her.  Then the dogs next to them start barking.  And so on and so forth until the entire block is barking for no reason.
It's 6am - initiate the bark!

6.       Portillos “veggie hot dog” is just a bun with a f***ing pickle and some tomato on it.  I was duped!

7.       When Waffles sleeps, she dreams that she is cha cha cat.  Dream on Waffles, life isn’t that easy.

If i only try harder!  I could be an internet meme!

   8.       WHYYYYYY????????  You fail, home depot….

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Rave (suburban) runs

Before i go all sass-mouth on the suburbs, i figured i would highlight some of its redeeming qualities.
The main being, there are a shit ton of places to run.

When a runner moves to Chicago, and they are like, "hey - where do people run around here?" the unubiquitous answer is the lakefront path.  Its the place to be.  It's a little more complicated out here because there is not a "go to" spot where all the runners go.  Instead, there are a variety of places, all offering different things for a runners needs.  SO, since i wish there had been a "running in the suburbs for dummys" guide, i am just going to make one myself.

First up is Meacham Woods!

Meacham Woods is technically in Bloomingdale, and meets up with the North Central Dupage Regional trail.  Matt chose this as his favorite, and while i wouldn't call it the best, i do like it.


  • There are a couple nice limestone loops that are fairly wide.  These go around a lake though, and have no shade cover, so think about that unless you want to end up a little fried crisp, like i did.  
  • If you want to go off-roading, there are two wooded areas with tons of bike trails.  Just be careful, as they are not marked, and you can easily end up lost and going in a circle for an hour.  (guilty.)
  • There is a giant hill.  It is covered in runners single track trails, because obviously, a runner must run up a hill.  Over and over.  It also has great views.
  • Like all the Dupage forest trails, its really quiet.  You will see a couple people, but not many.  
  • Because its nature, there are wild raspberries growing everywhere, and YOU CAN EAT THEM.  Who needs GU when there are BERRIES.


  • The only bathroom is a porta-potty.  gag. 
  • It's not huge, so if you are looking to run more than 6 miles, be ready to retrace your steps.
  • There is just one water fountain, and maybe two garbage cans on the trail.  This one is a big deal to me because i have running with waffles, who poops once a mile, so even on a three mile run, i can be carrying three bags of poop, which really sucks.  And, i know i could use the same poop bag  (but thats gross) or just leave the poop (but thats gross. and illegal!) or just stop feeding her so much (who poops that much??)
  • There is a giant hill.  Seriously, i almost threw up on it.
  • Apparently, there is a "unidentified wild feline" roaming the woods.  Here is the picture they released, so judge for yourself

Seriously?  maybe my eyes are going bad, but that looks like nothing to me.  And, based on the size of the trees there, i feel like that is just an obese house cat at best.  Either way, i am on a mission to find it.  
You've been warned.

So check out Meacham Woods!  (but don't go when i go, because its mine.  ALL MINE!)

unubiquitous answer is

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Proud Mary.

An antecdote, in case my troubles bummed you out.

1. It should be said that i love my mom, and wish no harm to come to her.
2. But if harm must come, it should at least be entertaining

(also, her name is Mary - Mary-Sue, fyi. That and i recently watched the Ike & Tina story the other night when i couldn't sleep.  I digress.)

*My mom totally approves the retelling of this story.

Last spring, my mom adopted a dog against my advice.  Not that i didn't want her to get a dog (although she already has a herd of cats) But she really wanted a husky, which is a high energy breed, and she is somewhat of a couch potato, and she is only 4'10" (way too small to manage a giant dog!).  Her reasoning is that the dog would make her get more exercise and lose weight.  My reasoning that the dog would end up getting fat and eating a bunch of pillows.  As it turns out, my mom now has a fat husky mix that likes to eat pillows, but thats ok, because they really seem to love each other.
Banner, the husky mix!
So, My mom will walk Banner along the bike path in nice weather, which runs along the charmingly polluted rock river (seen in photo).  

This past weekend, my mom agreed to meet up for a "first-dates of sorts" on this bike path.  My mom has not really dated, and i am fairly certain she does not ever want to get remarried.  But every once in a while she will go on a few dates, realize dating is awful, and then swear it off for life again.  This was one of those times.

So, she met this blind date for a walk along the river with her guard dog, Banner.  Props to her - thats actually really safe.  This dog tried to rip my arm when i hugged my mom, so he is very protective, and would never let anyone touch her.  Good boy.  Being a husky, he likes to be in the water, because anything above 40 degrees is just too hot.  Her and her date walked down to the water, so Banner could get his feet wet, and low and behold, they spot a flock of ducks on the water.

Apparently, Banner charged the ducks, causing my mom to slip on the slime covered rocks lining the polluted rock river, and he dragged her into the river.  The complete stranger that was her horrified blind date tried to pull her out, but her wrist hurt from the fall, so she asked him to take the leash instead.  And then Banner pulled this random dude into the river as well.  I have had some bad dates in my life time, but i couldn't imagine being dragged through a polluted river by a husky.  

I can't promise that proud mary was playing in the background as my mom drifted down the rock river, but i like to imagine it was.  I am also in no way comparing my mom to a river boat.

Unfortunately my mom broke her wrist in the fall.  But at least she got the best story ever out of it.  I am going this weekend to help her, because even though my brother lives with her, he can't drive, cook, and is generally useless, so i am going to go help her out this weekend, and secretly high-five Banner, the best guard dog ever.  

So, if you ever wondered why insane things happen to me, its very obviously genetic.

Stay tuned, and maybe i will even have a running story for you tomorrow.  Maybe.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Friends in low places

I’m not gonna lie, part of me debated deleting any trace of the blog, and of my facebook this past weekend.  It seemed so much easier than actually dealing with things like a normal functioning adult.  But then my friend Jenny, the sole reader of my blog told me to get back to blogging because it used to entertain her when she was killing time at work.  So I am back for YOU, Jenny. 

So, I will start out with somber post about my absence, and then return to my snarky posts about Waffles, suburbia, bugs I have swallowed when running, martinis, and consistently sucking at life on every front.  Bear with me.
The reason I have been absent from basically all channels of social media is because I have crippling anxiety.  I have written posts about it before HERE, because honestly, running is a huge help.  My anxiety is in check like, 99% of the time, but every few years a major life event will occur and knock me completely off my axis.  In the past it’s been moving to Chicago at a young age, going to grad school, my dad dying.  This time it was a combination of my move to the suburbs, switching jobs, and turning 30.  And by too much I mean too much for me.  Any normal functioning human being would probably be a little stressed, but would pull through like a champ.

Sadly, I am not normal.  Having anxiety is the worst.  And I fully know it’s not really the worst, but it’s my blog and I say what I want.  What are the (my) symptoms of prolonged intense anxiety?  I can’t sleep.  I can’t eat.  Well, I can eat, but I feel so sick all the time that I am either not hungry, or my stomach just can’t handle food.  This makes me constantly dizzy and confused.  I cry randomly and constantly because I am so terrified of the world around me and I have nowhere to hide.  My heart constantly feels like its beating out of my chest, and somehow karate chopping my lungs making it difficult to breath. 

How do I cope?  Not well, obviously.  Mostly, I just don’t leave the house.  In fact, leaving the house terrifies me.  (except for the yard – the yard is awesome.)  Everyday is a legitimate struggle just to get in my car and drive to work (SO MUCH CAN GO WRONG!).  I don’t want to see my friends, or do any of the fun things I normally love, because I know that everyone in the world hates me, and is judging me, and out to get me (obviously, this is not true, but I FEEL this way).  The only reason I haven’t gone full scale Grey Gardens is because of Matt and Waffles.  Matt has been a real trooper.  Not only coercing me to leave the house, but he has been picking up the slack of all the errands I am too nervous to run, and helping out more around the house because my brain-dead zombie self can’t handle preparing a meal or folding a pair of jeans.  He has also been running with me.  Because obviously, if I ran alone terrible things would happen.  And when Matt can’t be there, Waffles picks up the slack.  For a tiny dog, she has been clocking some miles!  And for some reason I feel totally safe when she is with me, despite the fact that she is 17 lbs, would totally approach a serial killer in hopes of treats, and would leave my ass in a second if she saw a horse (She doesn’t like horses.  That was a fun one to learn)
Luckily, my close friends know the drill.  It’s a huge relief knowing that they are always there, even if I become a shut in.  I am so grateful to have people that will constantly come back to me and force me to remain a part of society despite my best efforts not to.  I really don’t make friends easily(obviously), so I am really glad I have the few that I do.
Now I am at the crossroads where I have to see if I can pull myself out of my anxiety cocoon holistically, or if I need to see professional help and medication.  I am exploring both options, but my leaning is towards dealing with this holistically as I hate, hate, hate medication.  It feels so unnatural.  I have a couple races on the horizon, but I literally can’t handle the thought of being around so many people right now – and its making me anxious (you see how this starts to spin out of control???)  So I really don’t know what to do.  It’s not like I’m injured, and pulling out of race for mental reasons seems ludacris.
So why am I spilling my guts to you all (all 3 of you!) I guess the worst part of all of this is that I just feel so incredibly alone, and I feel like maybe other people deal with extreme anxiety the way that I do, and they don’t know how to communicate it or ask for help (lord knows I don’t) so ideally, by reading this you:  1. Wont think I am an antisocial bitch, and 2. Will reach out to any one you know who might be struggling – trust me, no matter what, they really, really want you to.
So sorry to get all real there, it’s just been a huge part of my life the past couple months (All.  It’s been all of my life.) And it feels nice to get off my chest honestly.  That and I missed a bunch of birthdays on facebook because I was too scared to sign on, and that’s just lame.  I promise to return with a funny story about my mom.  And maybe some sassy comments about the suburbs.