Friday, August 9, 2013

Not everything can be sunshine and olive gardens.

A very special Friday First World Problems – suburban edition.

1.        After some of my epic fights with Comcast, I never thought there could be a more terrible utility service.  Until I met Republic Services.   I totally lost my cool and left this message in their “file a complaint box”:
Republic Services has the worst customer service of any company i have encountered. 50% of the time when i call, i am transfered to an overflow service that promises someone will contact me, which they never do. I have used the contact me email form four times, and never once been contacted. Based on how impossible it is to ever speak with anyone that works at Republic Services, I am deeply concerned that no one actually works there, and you are simply a bunch of robots. I don't even know why i am filling this out, because no one will ever read it. 00111100101000101000100. (Binary code. Because you are robots.) 
I am pretty sure they will never ever pick up my garbage again, and it’s getting stinky.  Why can’t I control my sass???

But i shall win the war.

2.        Why are there SO MANY AUTOZONES??  It’s orange and black striped façade is an assault on my senses.  They are worse than starbucks out here!
3.       Because of autozone epidemic, I convinced Matt to wash my car, which only brought an onslaught of judgement as to why there were so many twizzlers under the driver’s seat.  OBVIOUSLY, I did not know they were there, because I would have eaten them. 
(also, 4 twizzlers is NOT that many, and is totally within the limit of reasonable candy deposits that can appear in hard to reach places.)
4.       Matt also threw away all my McDonalds monopoly pieces that were strategically placed in my cupholder.  It’s not like I was going to win or anything, but one of them was good for a free french fry!  People are starving, and he is literally throwing away meal tickets.  For shame. #FirstWorldTRAGEDY.

Try again!

5.       The twilight bark is totally a thing, and waffles sets it off every. Freaking. Day.  Despite the fact that basenji’s are a barkless breed, she prances around jingling and giving the silent stink-eye, which causes the neighbor dog to bark at her.  Then the dogs next to them start barking.  And so on and so forth until the entire block is barking for no reason.
It's 6am - initiate the bark!

6.       Portillos “veggie hot dog” is just a bun with a f***ing pickle and some tomato on it.  I was duped!

7.       When Waffles sleeps, she dreams that she is cha cha cat.  Dream on Waffles, life isn’t that easy.

If i only try harder!  I could be an internet meme!

   8.       WHYYYYYY????????  You fail, home depot….


  1. Number 3 is my favorite and me laugh hysterically! Happy Friday!

  2. Actually, I think that's probably the best complaint letter ever written. I really hope that A. someone does actually work there and B. has a sense of humor. Although, all signs point to no.

  3. Big fail on Portillos part. I'm pretty sure that is just a bun with toppings.
    If I received that email I would just respond in binary code. This reminded me I need to call comcast. ugh. I haven't worked up enough patience to deal with them yet.

  4. WHY would you hire someone for a customer service job who sucks at said job. Disgust.

  5. Oh Comcast and I ended our relationship many years ago. When I was contacted by Comcast at the end, I told them that it was my best break up ever and I wasn't ever going to look back and get cable again. We have been cable free for over 4 years and I will not ever get cable again.

    I have missed your First world problems!

  6. I hate that Portillos veggie dog (and I've never ordered it). I switched back from being a vegetarian after getting the Veggie Burger at Burger King in high school. It was a bun with lettuce & tomato. No nothing. Next time: Bacon Cheeseburger!

  7. Oh Comcast, how I hate thee. We've got a system down in our household. Call to "cancel" every six months, get a discount, continue on with life.

  8. #6 made me laugh and cry at the same time. I'm done for the day after seeing that photo

  9. I think that comcast is the devil so to hear that another company is even worse amazes me. I hope that they eventually pick up your garbage. The worst thing is stinky garbage. Or having to be transferred a million times and never get good customer service- that annoys the hell outta me too.

  10. I've missed your FWP posts. I've had similar issues with ComEd as you've had with Republic Services. Our power had gone out in the winter for almost a full week. We had no heat and we were worried our pipes would freeze. I kept getting the same runaround. So frustrating! Please keep us posted on when they pick up your garbage. Talk about frustrations!!!