Wednesday, August 14, 2013

problems specifically related to being in the first world.

1.  Matt is on a diet.  I don't think that he needs to be, but i am sick of him whining and pinching his stomach while staring into the mirror saying "I'm soooo fattttttt" like a teenage girl.  It's the worst.

2.  In order to show my love and support, I had to order a scale.  And not just any scale – the mega ultimate supreme holy grail of scales.  We have previously never owned a scale because I feel like men rarely buy those things, and I personally don’t care to know how much I weigh.  As long as my pants fit (and I will not think twice before i slather my legs in Crisco and wedge myself into those babies) we’re good to go.  This one measures fat, muscle, bone, the whole nine yards.  Did you know that 4.8% of me is bone*?  The more you know.
*bad to the bone! lol
Look how happy she is!  Dieting is fun, Matt!
3. Knowing how much you weigh is actually horrifying and sad.  Who knew??  No wonder my car has been getting shitty gas mileage!  I might have to stick the new scale in the garage and forget about it. 

4. As part of this diet, Matt has been googling calorie amounts in things.  Can I please advise everyone right now that this is THE WORST IDEA EVER.  Somehow, he was convinced that a serving of chickpeas has 800 calories, which fyi – is totally crazy.  He accused the super healthy salad I made him of having more calories than a big mac extra value meal, and an epic battle ensued. 

5.  On the other end of the spectrum, little Waffles, has been on a weight gain diet since the day she was born.  She has always had a hard time keeping weight on, and is a finicky eater on top of that.  She really seems to like the laid-back suburban life though, as she has been eating voraciously since we moved, and has put on almost a pound! Sadly, her voraciousness is not just for food, and she is acting like a puppy again, and tasting anything she can fit her mouth around including (but not limited to): dryer lint, dryer sheets, cardboard, a cactus, clean socks, dirty socks, ants, moths, grass, and people’s newspapers.
Fiber for the win?
6. My back is already feeling better thanks to heat packs, advil, and martinis.  The only time it bothers me is when I try to bend down.  Could someone please zip up my shoes for me?

7. What is with this weather??  I actually had to use the heat in my car this morning!  I will obviously complain about any weather that is handed to me!  I also have this space heater at work that I am being forced to operate with my feet because of my lack of bendability.

8. I had to pull out of the North Country Run, and I am very sad about it.  They were unable to switch me to the half, and don’t feel confident in my abilities to run a full marathon right now.  My problems can’t always be funny.  Sorry I’m not sorry.

9. Part of me wanted to attempt the marathon anyway, because that’s what I do, but my worst nightmare would be trying to find the right combo/dose of anxiety meds and running a marathon at the same time.  Marathons are hard enough with additional chemical factors trying to make you vomit, cry, not sleep for days in advance, and/or lash out unreasonably at everything around you.  Nature deserves better than that, my friends.

10. Totally related to nothing, but Matt accidentally broke my Le Crueset pie dish. This is why I can’t have nice things. woe is me.  Seriously, woe.

On a side note, thanks for sticking around.  My brain is still trying to regroup, so i fully acknowledge that half of what i write is garbage, and the other half is misspelled.  It will get better.  Or it won't.  Why are you still here anyway????


  1. still reading because your sporadic posts are eleventy billion times better than everyone else's 3x a day posts.

    and because I love your FWP.

  2. Because we love you. That's why!

    I'm glad you bowed out of the marathon. It was the right call even tho it must have sucked making that decision.

    This weather is awesome for running. And sucky for everything else!

  3. Bummer about the race! I guess you'll just have to drown your sorrows in martinis.

    RE: scales. Mine wanted to know how old I am. I entered my age when I got it and never changed it. Last week Jason informed me, "Did you know the scale still thinks you're 26? I changed it for you." Now I think it's telling me I weigh more than I want to. Or that could just be because I took up drinking beer.

  4. I'm here for gifs and to give my internet bro love to Matt on a diet as I too stare into a mirror, pinch my stomach fat and cry a little!

  5. Oh my goodness, this post is cracking me up.After my conversation with Matt the first time about hot sauce, I'm pretty sure talking to him about calories would be epic.

  6. I don't own a scale either for the same reasons, but my husband starting juicing and went gluten-free. It's kind of messing up my life in similar ways. We should start a support group.

  7. Ok tell Matt to stop drinking all the beer and go back to blogging to keep his hands busy. :)

    btw, we are heading to the flea market on Saturday, we aren't coming over first, since V isn't an adult, I don't want to make things less fun. So if you see us, please say hi!!

  8. that scale, scares me...I already battle with my cheap walmart version.

  9. I would cry if my BF broke my Le Crueset anything. He's not allowed to touch any of my kitchen things. The BF also complains about this weight which is unnecessary. I am going to use the crappy gas mileage on his weight because he whines about that more then his scale weight. lol

  10. I love your blog because I love your sense of humor. :-)

    Pretty funny that Matt is on a diet. Sounds like a phase my hubby has revisited multiple times. He never really counted calories, but did make me purchase a scale. Men.

    Glad your back is better. Took me almost a week to feel normal again.