I’m not gonna lie, part of me debated deleting any trace of the blog, and of my facebook this past weekend. It seemed so much easier than actually dealing with things like a normal functioning adult. But then my friend Jenny, the sole reader of my blog told me to get back to blogging because it used to entertain her when she was killing time at work. So I am back for YOU, Jenny.
So, I will start out with somber post about my absence, and then return to my snarky posts about Waffles, suburbia, bugs I have swallowed when running, martinis, and consistently sucking at life on every front. Bear with me.
The reason I have been absent from basically all channels of social media is because I have crippling anxiety. I have written posts about it before HERE, because honestly, running is a huge help. My anxiety is in check like, 99% of the time, but every few years a major life event will occur and knock me completely off my axis. In the past it’s been moving to Chicago at a young age, going to grad school, my dad dying. This time it was a combination of my move to the suburbs, switching jobs, and turning 30. And by too much I mean too much for me. Any normal functioning human being would probably be a little stressed, but would pull through like a champ.
Sadly, I am not normal. Having anxiety is the worst. And I fully know it’s not really the worst, but it’s my blog and I say what I want. What are the (my) symptoms of prolonged intense anxiety? I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. Well, I can eat, but I feel so sick all the time that I am either not hungry, or my stomach just can’t handle food. This makes me constantly dizzy and confused. I cry randomly and constantly because I am so terrified of the world around me and I have nowhere to hide. My heart constantly feels like its beating out of my chest, and somehow karate chopping my lungs making it difficult to breath.
How do I cope? Not well, obviously. Mostly, I just don’t leave the house. In fact, leaving the house terrifies me. (except for the yard – the yard is awesome.) Everyday is a legitimate struggle just to get in my car and drive to work (SO MUCH CAN GO WRONG!). I don’t want to see my friends, or do any of the fun things I normally love, because I know that everyone in the world hates me, and is judging me, and out to get me (obviously, this is not true, but I FEEL this way). The only reason I haven’t gone full scale Grey Gardens is because of Matt and Waffles. Matt has been a real trooper. Not only coercing me to leave the house, but he has been picking up the slack of all the errands I am too nervous to run, and helping out more around the house because my brain-dead zombie self can’t handle preparing a meal or folding a pair of jeans. He has also been running with me. Because obviously, if I ran alone terrible things would happen. And when Matt can’t be there, Waffles picks up the slack. For a tiny dog, she has been clocking some miles! And for some reason I feel totally safe when she is with me, despite the fact that she is 17 lbs, would totally approach a serial killer in hopes of treats, and would leave my ass in a second if she saw a horse (She doesn’t like horses. That was a fun one to learn)
Luckily, my close friends know the drill. It’s a huge relief knowing that they are always there, even if I become a shut in. I am so grateful to have people that will constantly come back to me and force me to remain a part of society despite my best efforts not to. I really don’t make friends easily(obviously), so I am really glad I have the few that I do.
Now I am at the crossroads where I have to see if I can pull myself out of my anxiety cocoon holistically, or if I need to see professional help and medication. I am exploring both options, but my leaning is towards dealing with this holistically as I hate, hate, hate medication. It feels so unnatural. I have a couple races on the horizon, but I literally can’t handle the thought of being around so many people right now – and its making me anxious (you see how this starts to spin out of control???) So I really don’t know what to do. It’s not like I’m injured, and pulling out of race for mental reasons seems ludacris.
So why am I spilling my guts to you all (all 3 of you!) I guess the worst part of all of this is that I just feel so incredibly alone, and I feel like maybe other people deal with extreme anxiety the way that I do, and they don’t know how to communicate it or ask for help (lord knows I don’t) so ideally, by reading this you: 1. Wont think I am an antisocial bitch, and 2. Will reach out to any one you know who might be struggling – trust me, no matter what, they really, really want you to.
So sorry to get all real there, it’s just been a huge part of my life the past couple months (All. It’s been all of my life.) And it feels nice to get off my chest honestly. That and I missed a bunch of birthdays on facebook because I was too scared to sign on, and that’s just lame. I promise to return with a funny story about my mom. And maybe some sassy comments about the suburbs.