Fwp....in the news!

God i love the news.  Everyone else has bigger problems than i do.


1.  Everyone wonders about my obsession with raccoons.  And how they are getting bigger and fatter and meaner.  Exhibit A:
When raccoons attack video.

I'm sorry, but the scratches are one thing, but bruises?  Raccoons are assholes.  You have been warned!
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS


2. Women only and men only parking spots.

Parking is hard.  Especially for those of us of the fairer nature.  Thats why this mayor in Germany went ahead assessed the difficulty level for a variety of parking spots, and ones that were narrow, or needed to be backed into, or were on an angle were labeled for men only (i am assuming to avoid the outbreak of hysteria that occurs when we are faced with something as complex as "an angle.") I say why stop there - go big or go home.  Don't let us park at all.  Us ladies should be forced to relinquish our keys the second we enter a parking garage.
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS


3.  I am not sad that you were all gored by bulls.  There.  I said it.

You knew what you were doing, don't look to me for sympathy.
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS


4.  Oh Pinki Pramanik

You have committed no crime here, other than that you make terrible choices in girlfriends.  Never trust a bitch, girl.  Good luck, and keep running, Y chromosome or not!
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS


5.  I was all for this British "Ginger only" dating site....

Until i realized they are going to call it "Top Carrots"  Are you F***ing kidding me??  COME ON!
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS


6. In San Francisco, they are dealing with their rampant pan-handling problem by giving all the homeless people pets to take care of.

I hate to be a negative Nancy, but - no, wait - I LOVE being a negative Nancy!  Why are you giving pets to people who obviously can't take care of themselves, let alone a pet!  Am i the only one who see's a problem with distributing puppies to derelicts on the fringe of society?  ANYBODY? (notice how much trouble i have taking care of dog!)
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.


7. Oh no, the secret to the Big Mac's special sauce is out!  What is McD's gonna do, now that we can all make our own big macs at home??

Wait a minute - big macs suck.  The only reason people eat them is because they are too lazy to make their own food (I'm not judging, i am frequently too lazy to make food for myself)  We are assuming that serial McD's consumers have much more ambition than they actually do.  
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.


8.  If you could have your baby anywhere in the world, where would you do it?

I'm just going to assume you said 7-11.  Talk about my worst nightmare.  On the plus side, if any of you preggo's can force yourself into going into labor today, you can get a FREE slurpee while you wait for the umbiblical cord to be cut, because it is July 11th!
FIRST WORLD SOLUTIONS!


9. Do you hate cobwebs like i hate cobwebs?  GRRR!  i wish there was an easier way to dispose of them.  Standing on a chair and dusting the corners is just SO. MUCH. WORK!  Thank god there are brilliant people out there that are just as lazy as me.

FYI - do not blow torch the cobwebs inside your house.  Just don't do it.  Also, i am a little concerned about the fact that we will give a blowtorch to anyone these days....


FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS


10. And finally, Shot put is awesome.  

So awesome.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/40-derpiest-shotput-faces
FIRST WORLD SPORTS PROBLEMS.