Friday, June 1, 2012

Keepin it real.

First and foremost:


Come do yoga with me this weekend!  On Sunday, my favorite yoga studio, Tula Yoga, is doing a donation class at 5pm, and all the proceeds are going to Huntington's Disease!  Come watch me sit in childs pose in a hot room for an hour.


RSVP here, or don't, and just show up and surprise me - i'll be in the back.  In childs pose.




Now, for the serious stuff.


I have gotten a lot of flack for making light of the zombie incident in Miami, and i just want to let people know, i am not joking around about zombies.  Zombies are a real and serious threat, and i don't joke around about it.  


Here are a few fun facts - ways i am currently preparing for what is obviously an inevitable large scale zombie attack.


1. Remember that Machete i got for Christmas?  (and you all laughed...)
It had been hanging out in the hatch of my car, but since i am officially raising the zombie attack threat level from yellow to red, it has been moved up to the back seat for easy access.


2. I can barely fit my cell phone in my purse....


But i can fit a multi-use pocket knife, bandaids, and aspirin.  And gum.  Woe be the soul caught in zombie apocalypse without gum.


3. I am making sure to text this guy everyday.  
Do you have a zombie survival plan with anyone?  My brother and i have had this plan for years.  It also includes my friend Ashley, but she is currently in Europe, making it very hard to get to her in the even of a full scale zombie outbreak.  My brother is a collector of weaponry, and damn good shot in my opinion.  My goal is to get to him, and then pool our resources.  I am the "brains" of this duo.  


4. Carbo-loading.
You think a marathon is hard?  There is no finish line when being chased by zombies.  You just. keep. running.  Better make sure you are properly fueled.


5.  Food hoarding.
Sure, the bags of rice were on sale so it was a financially wise purchase, but my cabinets are currently packed with 15 lbs of Trader Joe's brown rice.  Because its delicious, and an excellent choice for sustained nutrition should i need to barricade myself in my apartment.  We also have a 40lb bag of puppy chow. (For the dog, obviously)  We are set.


6.  Rations deposits.
There is no telling when the zombie apocalypse will reach chicago.  I could be at work, or stuck in traffic, or at home, or walking the dog, or at a bar.  Thats why i am taking great lengths to make sure i am surrounded by food at ALL times.  I have a snack drawer at work, multiple bags of chex mix in my car, and sometimes i grab a clif bar just to go walk the dog. The only problem is, i keep eating all my snacks and depleting the rations...
7. Meticulous scanning of reputable periodicals for clues.  Remember in Men in Black, when "K" said he got all his leads from tabloid covers?  
Just sayin.


8.  When i was little, my dad taught me shoot a bow and arrow.  I wasn't very good then, and am probably even worse now....but it is definitely time to brush up, because if i learned anything from the walking dead, it's be the guy with the arrows
It is the single most efficient way to kill zombies.  And to hunt as well.  I figure at some point, my brown rice hoard will run out, and i will be forced to hunt to survive.  I will also need to convince myself to eat deer, as last i checked, free-range frozen yogurt cups were no longer found in the wild.....

10 comments:

  1. HAHAHAHA this post made me laugh. Have you ever watched that show about people that plan for the end of the world? (The name of the show escapes me.) I'm just waiting for them to find folks that are planning for the zombie apocalypse because of the report in Miami. There are people that are planning. I just need to mimic those plans. Haha. I learned how to shoot a shotgun many moons ago but haven't fired a gun in probably 15-20 years. Maybe it is time I head to the range and brush-up. You know, just in case.

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  2. WHAT! No free range frozen yogurt cups?!? Dammit, I am totally screwed...

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  3. good GOD, woman....what's with the machete??????? And you're driving around with it??? Are you truly expecting the zombies to attack you on the Expressway (the Von Ryan? Be nice...I'm not from Chicago!). I'd like to think even if there was traffic, you could outrun them.......but I guess having a machete in the car could be useful for other issues!

    And considering what has happened in your work fridge, you definitely need to keep your larder in your desk drawers......or better yet, in your car........with the machete!

    40 pounds of food for Waffles? Talk about your long-range planning! And Kelly, I believe the show is called "Doomsday Preppers"

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  4. Caught with my pants down again--how did I miss this zombie thing? Has our nation's alert color changed again? Although I do have an extra bag of rice laying around...only because I forgot and bought an extra in a senior moment.

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  5. Dang. I just have a swiss army knife and a aluminum tee-ball bat in the trunk of my car. Well, and some jumper cables and a shovel. Hopefully I can get a machete for xmas too.

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  6. Stick with me, I can cook venison

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  7. I am a fan of Tula Yoga Studio as well. I attend classes there every Saturday morning (Yoga Within Reach)! May take a pass today for the donation class, but who knows?

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  8. haha, thanks for always making me smile. XOXO

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