A journey through the 9 circles of hell.

All of which reside in IKEA.

This is the epic story of the time Matt and i decided to buy a hanging lamp for the living room.

Circle one-  The parking lot. This isn't so bad!  Matt bought me frozen yogurt in hopes that the sugar high would prevent me from having a panic attack.  As i chow down, i hardly even notice the minivan sitting in oncoming traffic trying to make a left turn onto a one way street going the opposite direction.  Hordes of people careen towards my car on winged monkeys that resemble carts, but thats ok, i have half a dozen different toppings to focus on.

Circle two - The revolving door.  My yogurt treat is gone, but the sugar high remains.  Until we get to the door.  How do so many people not know how to use a revolving door??  Why is your kid pushing it in the wrong direction??  WTF is going on in the front lobby?  Obviously, there must be a reason everyone has collected here around a fake kitchen.  Based on the overpowering cinnamon roll smell, i can only assume that some kind of pastry bomb has been detonated, forcing everyone to evacuate into this tiny area.

Circle three - Floor one.  NOPE!  That was only the tip of the iceberg.  There are even thicker crowds of people than were in the entryway.  They start crashing their carts into me, attacking from all sides.  I think, this is what the life of a pinball must be - and i am saddened.  I give Matt the look that says "I am already over this."  He promises me a lingonberry soda if we can just persevere to the third floor.  

Circle four - Lamp island.  I know a lot about architecture, but i still cannot fathom how lamp island is even possible.  We find ourselves in the lighting area, only somehow, there is no exit. I run to each side only to be met with a siderail and a 60 ft drop to the bottom level.  How is that even possible??  It's like MC esher meets Hogwarts meets everything that pisses me off in this world.  I start running to all sides in an increasing state of panic looking for an exit; alas there is none.  I am know condemned to live the remainder of my sad life on lamp island.....

Circle five - The food court.  Matt leaves me with a lampshade i have befriended named fruzenschlag.  Just as we began to accept our new life as comrades, Matt returns.  He has found a secret hall way that leads to the food court.  There is no official entrance to the gated off food court, but we are able to jump the metal gate, and i am face to face with my beloved savior, lingonberry soda.   Only their are no cups.  Apparently, you can only dine in here.  There is a second food court on the bottom level.  Part of me dies.

Circle six-  Furniture.  I don't know how we got here - we don't want to buy furniture.  There are screaming children everywhere, and the couches and beds are filled with the fallen.  To my right, a soon to be ex-couple next to me screams at each other over spending $500 on a futon, to my left, a child is repeatedly slamming a cabinet door on a storage end table while his mother stares into space, obviously contemplating ending it all with one of those tiny golf pencils that are everywhere.  I look to Matt with tears in my eyes and say, "we're going to die here."  He painfully nods, and we walk on.

Circle seven - Lamp Island.  AGAIN.  Dear God, NO!!  How did we end up here again?!?!?  It's like some kind of funhouse horror movie!!!  I peer over the edge and spot mattress two floors beneath me.  Matt immediately sees them too and acknowledges what i am planning.  "Don't jump." he says.  "At least i will die knowing i tried to get out of here!" i shout as i point to dusty skeletons littering the floor of lamp island.  (perhaps they were just more lamps; we were both hallucinating at this point.)  "You won't die if you jump, you'll just embarrass us." he replies.  Touche.

Circle eight - The area with all the kids crap.  We miraculously escape lamp island a second time, only to enter the one area more terrifying than lamp island and the food court combined - That area with all the kids crap.  By this point, i am crying and humming the theme to rocky;  Matt shields me with one arm, and uses the other to shove people aside.  It's like watching the bodyguard, only it's not awesome at all.  I clutch the lamp that i no longer even want to my chest.  Everything starts to go dark.

Circle nine (the innermost circle) - The checkout area.  As we enter the finishing chute, i spot the lingonberry soda machine, and it triggers an adrenaline fueled counter attack.  I charge for the express check out lane, using my stupid plastic lamp as a battering ram;  My hair is disheveled, my clothes torn. Everything is in slow motion as chariots of fire starts to play;  I jump over a six year old, i zig left past an overwhelmed grandmother, and zag right plast a herd of college dorm bound teenagers.  I use the little strength i have left in the final sprint, clutching the lamp i now hate more than life itself, as well as a 100 pack of tea lights, because they are SO dang cheap!  And some flower pots.  And a drying rack.  DAMN YOU IKEA!  I limp to the soda dispenser and get my drink, savoring the lingonberry goodness as a mixture of sweat and tears runs down my face.

As we walk outside into the approaching storm, i breath in my first breath of freedom.  I turn to Matt, and i gasp, "we made it"  And he looks back at me and says, "we forgot the lightbulbs...."

This clip of Charlton Heston at the end of planet of the apes basically sums it up if you need a visual.