Christmas

I celebrate Christmas twice.  I celebrate Christmas Eve with my mom, and Christmas day with Matt and his family.  


1.  The thing about my family is that we're dysfunctional.  We're not sitting around smoking crack and beating children, but it basically plays out something like national lampoons christmas vacation every single year.  Last year, i got in a fight.  I  got in a FIGHT.  at CHRISTMAS.  who can say that?


2.  This year we had a lot of people not show up for various reasons (sickness, pregnancy, etc) so there were only maybe 20 of us there.  (I come from a huge family, because this is only my family that lives in Rockford attending.  Most of them live in Chicago...)


3.  I had a 10 year old tell me that i look pregnant and 42.  That didn't sting AT ALL.......


4.  Thank god for my brother, otherwise i would probably murder people.

5.  Because there are so many of us, we do yankee swap rather than buy gifts for everyone.  Everyone brings a gift of about $20-25, and then we draw numbers to choose gifts.  You also can steal gifts that have already been opened.  Last year we had death threats over a bottle of amaretto, and this year there was a throwdown over chocolate.  


6.  We also have a gag gift - the boob mug.  The boob mug was my Dad's, and i guess it was one of the few posessions he bought to the table when he and my mom first got married.  She hated it.  I am surprised he managed to keep them around so long actually.  My dad passed away a few christmas's ago, so its a nice way to honor the dead...with a boob mug.  (i told you - dysfunctional.)

Oh, you thought i was kidding?  Its a boob mug.  you drink from the nipple.....

Just to be fair, the boob mug is usually accompanied by cash or a giftcard.  


7.  My mom is still on this "vegan kick"  so she tried to make vegan lasagna.  blech.  It was ok, just really, really bland.  The kicker is, i watched her eat some pizza with pepperoni and sausage earlier, so i feel that the lack of cheese on the lasagna was to punish me for my constant sass.


8.  I got the boob mug in yankee swap!!

and a gift card for gas!!  DOUBLE SCORE!

9. I got a machete!

You know you're in Rockford when you get a Machete from santa.  This baby is from my brother, who  totally understands my obsession with zombies.  He got me a machete and hot pink compression socks. I am ready for those bitches now. 

I also got a new pair of running shoes, my mom santa was able to find a marked down pair of my existing Nike's, so i can still have pink shoes and not have to deal with the new gray ones.  I also got a furry hat, really pretty earrings, and most importantly, PILLOWS!  Thank god!  i have had shitty ikea pillows for years and i hate them.

When i fail to outrun the zombies, i now have a machete option.

10.  I drank a lot that night.  Then i had to wake up at 5am to catch a ride to the bus, catch a bus to O'hare, to catch a plane to Cincinnati.  I was hurting.  Thank god for 24-hour airport bars.

Hair of the dog...

I also snuck a cookie through security.  I didn't think cookies were a terrorist threat, but the guy in front of me in the security line got his cookie taken away, while mine snuck through in a pocket of my purse. SUCK IT, TSA.  (or maybe he actually had some kind of cookie bomb? in which case, THANK YOU, TSA!)


11.  Christmas with Matt's family is the polar opposite of Christmas with my family.  Matt, his mom and dad, and myself sat down to a beautiful and peaceful turkey dinner.  The we opened presents.  I got some really beautiful work clothes from his parents, and Matt got me a voucher for a BYOB four course french cooking lesson!!  The end.


12.  Actually in addition to that, we went to a famous light display at a mill in central Ohio.  It was super cheesy and right up my alley!

They had a light up mini big boy!!

They had a huge village of miniatures that was mind blowing.  My favorite was the mini big boy.  It was pointed out by all that i have never actually eaten at a big boy.  The general consensus was to avoid it, as it would never live up to level i have elevated it to.


And that was MY christmas!!


I am going to take a break and run some errands.  I actually have to go all the way back to rockford to get my car, and i am preparing crab cakes and oysters for our super fancy NYE dinner!!


The after christmas post will come later, but fear not...there will be PUPPIES!