Wednesday, April 18, 2012

FWP

Finally, it's Wednesday, and i can let my bitchiness shine.

1.  When the first world enters the third world, we get PROBLEMS.  I understand that the secret service hiring a bunch Colombian hookers probably isn't presenting our government in the best light, but lets be real - the were in Cartegena, Colombia.  If they get out of there with only a hooker scandal, i think they did ok.  Its Colombia.  I watched a documentary where people in Cartegena cheat on their wives with donkeys.  Or maybe it was a comedy sketch.  I really don't care enough to cross check my facts.
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS

2.  I have been trying my hardest to be little miss sunshine this week, but it is just not working out for me.  I am in a pissy mood, despite having what would be considered a pretty blessed and fortunate life. I was trying to find some witty image about the glass being half empty vs half full, and i found this, and it perfectly describes my mood this week.  Also, i hate juice.  Just looking at it is making me angry.
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS


3. I have made a pact with myself to eat healthy for the next 30 days leading up to my first marathon.  I have been eating pretty crappy lately, and am starting to feel the negative effects.  I say down tonight to try and come up with an eating plan, and i realized that i have nothing.  I plan to eat some oatmeal for breakfast tomorrow, but beyond that, i'm drawing a complete blank. What do people eat when they are not eating candy??  #Failsathealthylivinggirl
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS


4.  While i was writing this blog post, i burned the GOD DAMN OATMEAL.
I'm back to hating you slow cook  steel cut oats.  Who is able to focus on something for 30 minutes??  Not me, thats for sure.  If any one asks, i am going to say all the black spots are chia seeds.....
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS


5.  I skipped my tuesday night run because i just couldn't deal with it, physically or mentally.  Instead i came home and snuggled with this french baguette
cross training?
Yeah, my race day performance is looking pretty good.  pretty good indeed.
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS


6. Tuesday morning Matt and i woke up to a weird rattling sound.  It seemed to be coming from the furnace room.  We started to panic, because we have had mice problems before.  This sounded much bigger and much stupider than a mouse though.  I saw a sliver of black poke through one of the slots on the door at about eye level, but Matt didn't believe me.  I guessed it to be either a human sized rat, a bird, or a bat.  He called the landlord, and they discussed how it was impossible for something to actually be in the apartment, and it must just be trapped in the furnace (i'm sorry, does that make me feel better??) The main point was that i was a paranoid wimpy girl.  Matt opened the door and was looking at the furnace while talking to the landlord, when BAM - bird flies out.  A fucking bird.  The poor landlord - all he heard was  "Yeah, i don't think the front panel to this furnace actually comes off, so we might have to OH MY GOD AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" end call.  I was screaming hysterically because i HATE birds.  I grabbed the dog and threw her in our bedroom (why?  no idea.)  We eventually got it out a window, but the dog was traumatized and wouldn't come out from under the bed for like an hour, and i have a renewed hatred of birds.
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS


7. Since Matt has been playing house husband, he decided to make my tortilla soup for dinner.  Which entailed calling me.  Every five minutes.  To go over basic cooking techniques.  We hit a huge snag when it turned out he didn't know how to use a can opener.  Seriously.  How do does one verbally instruct someone to open a can via phone?  It's impossible - you try it.  He decided to go rogue and stab at the damn thing with an oyster shucker.
I assure you, i couldn't make this up if i tried.
Can openers - FIRST WORLD PROBLEM.


8.  Kim @ Runner Nurse found this image that basically sums up my existence-
I really wish i was mysterious, or complex, or even intriguing, but seriously, this postcard sums me up entirely.  I am what i am.


FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS


9.  Traffic has been so bad this week that i have on multiple occasions thought about flipping out and just ramming my car into everyone around me like a giant game of bumper cars.  So you should probably avoid me on the road unless you want a 
FIRST WORLD PROBLEM


10. I have been going around reading peoples recaps of their first marathons, and to be honest, i am terrified.  I have an aversion to pain, throwing up, pooping my pants, and open thigh sores.  I don't like these things.  It seems that running 26.2 miles is just not something that the human body is meant to do.  Unless you live in the third world.
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS

33 comments:

  1. OMG A bird?? I would have flipped I hate birds!!

    I was reading an article yesterday saying that chia seeds were one of the most overrated foods of 2009. I have some and eat them occasionally but the price is steep and when I finish I don't plan on buying them again.

    DYING. seriously dying at Matt's attempt to use a can opener.

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    1. I might be wrong, but i feel like they give you can-opening 101 in the 3rd grade.

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  2. HAHAHAAHAHA. Oh my god. Matt's attempt to open that can and the kid's going to school just cracked me up. My first apartment, we realized we didn't own a can opener and I was trying to make homemade pizza, so I used scissors to open it. So special.

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    1. dang! Those must be some hard core scissors if you opened a can with them!

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  3. There are a lot of blogs out there that make me smile. And sometimes snicker a little.

    You? Make me full on belly laugh. Loud enough to scare my kids. Seriously - dish towel helmet? HAHAHAHAH! Can opener? HAHHAHAH!

    I effing love your blog.

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    1. Im not sure why Matt was so concerned about his hair - he has very little! If i have made you laugh, then my job here is done!

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  4. Hysterical! Love the pic of you "napping" with the baguette. That's my kind of cross training.

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    1. A minute after the pic was taken, the dog jumped on me, tried to steal it, and we had an epic duel over the baguette. Chaos.

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  5. You don't commute on 94 south of the city do you? Because that's my usual route - just wondering if I need to keep an eye out for the Bumper Car Bandit any time soon...

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    1. I mostly terrorize the edens, so you should be safe!! :D

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  6. I routinely make pacts with myself to eat well, and routinely fail. I blame happy hour, bc it's so darn irresistible. Also, I'm pretty bad at making oatmeal. I can never find the right balance, and it usually ends up being incredibly soupy. These are the beginnings of a hard life.

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  7. Yes!!! My new blog slogan! IT IS FUCKING FULL!

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    1. Seriously, why do they always show every glass of juice being over-filled??? Who is overfilling their glass?

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  8. Oh my gosh. I am so glad that I got introducted to FWP through Sweat pink. Seriously, I am dying of laughter for the second week in a row! That can opener thing just about killed me!

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    1. I always knew my whining would get me somewhere!!

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  9. Ha ha ha. Best FWP post EVER! So much to say...

    I love that pic of you with the bread. Ahh. I totally took a nap during lunch. I suck.

    I love that you captured all of these FWP with images. Especially the protective towel helmet.

    So, one time, my sister sent me a text to ask how to use our can opener. A FREAKIN' TEXT?! (she was at my house) sigh.

    One a car cut in front of me (turned in front of me on green when I should have gone straight then they would go) and I sped up to try to hit them. Yeah. It's best I stay on the train.

    Your 26.2 will be great! Especially since you are doing two 20s. Don't worry about it now :)

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    1. I am so glad i took that bird picture with my phone, Matt was yelling at me that it was "no time for pictures" but it was. It totally was.

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  10. 1. This post (but also your blog in general) made me laugh out loud. Thank you.
    2. I am likewise scared to death for my marathon on Monday. I have visions of passing out/being tackled by security (no idea where that one came from)/tornados ruining my race. I think passing out is the most realistic option.
    3. You will rock your marathon. I can't even rock tapering.

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    1. ok, now i am intrigued as to what scenarios would lead to you being tackled on the course by security. Because if you aren't going to win the marathon, thats probably a second best option.

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  11. Sara, you never fail to crack me up! I was laughing so hard when I read your FWP that my wife wanted to know what was so funny....so I read it to her while she was busy in the kitchen.....and you had her cracking up as well. The bird....the "can opener"....you've got a terrific ability to translate the absurdities of daily life into this format and unashamedly share it with all of us....Thanks!

    And thank you so much for the great comments....put a smile on my face to know that my blog "friends" (are we friends? How can you be friends with people you've never met? In the age of the Internet, I guess it's possible..) were supporting me. You're going to ROCK your marathon, girl....really!

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    1. I used to wonder why all these ridiculous things always happen to me, and then i realized that they happen to be because i am going to be the one to tell everyone, :D

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  12. Thanks lady...I SOOOOOOOOOOOOO needed this today. You freakin' rock.

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  13. HAHAHA I love your FWP posts - they are fn hilarious :)

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    1. I owe a lot of this one to Matt's shenanigans! :)

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  14. OMG that picture of Matt is hysterical. I seriously sat here wiping away tears. You guys are hysterical, I love that you hid the dog away from the flying rat!

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  15. I just found your blog but I'm so glad I did! I am CRYING laughing at your bird story!

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